Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 31st, 2013 § Filed under End of Civilization § 13 Comments

It’s Halloween, and you can forget all those ghosts and witches, those haunted houses and demonic possessions. You want to see something really scary? Then grab your copy of the November 2013 edition of Diamond Previews and follow along!

p. 63 – Never Ending #3 (of 3):


Wait…Never Ending is ending? I feel as if my trust have been breached. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, KNAVE, KIRKBRIDE AND LOVE?

p. 149 – DC Comics Super Villains Deathstorm Action Figure:


This will look nice next to my Tomorrow Woman figure on my “Characters I’ll Never See Again” shelf.

p. 289 – Li’l Ernie one-shot:


So, Dynamite Comics. You’ve found a way to get me to buy an Evil Ernie comic: 1. Make him cute. 2. Throw an Art Baltazar cover on it. 3. Have it written and drawn by Roger Langridge.

Well played, Dynamite Comics. Well played indeed.

p. 298 – Deflower the Boss:


Don’t you get any ideas, employees Aaron or Timmy!

p. 328 – Hello Kitty: Delicious:


Hello Kitty’s stint on Iron Chef was shockingly disruptive.

p. 368 – Batman Science: The Real World Science Behind Batman’s Gear:


Shame about the subtitle, because I was really hoping for “POW! Take that, creationists! BIFF! Down for the count, psychics! SMACK! You’re out cold, antivaxxers!”

p. 385 – Topps 2014 MLP Chipz:

“Get ready to kick off the 2014 Major League Baseball season with MLB Chipz. You can collect these chipz, trade with your friends, or use them to play games. There are a number of different types of chipz, featuring the stars from around the Majors, including Magnetic, Glow-in-the-Dark, and bat chipz. You will be able to find one team sticker and one game board in each pack.”

These are basically pogs, aren’t they. Please tell me they’re not pogs. Please. PLEASE.

[Mike huddles in a fetal position in the corner of his living room. He is crying. The camera slowly pulls back as the room fades to black.]

PLEASE.

p. 389 – Deadpool Bold FX Snap Back Cap:


+1 for the Breaking Bad reference in the caption.

-1 for the creepy Steve Ditko-ish Dr. Strange interdimensional limbo-esque mouths being used in place of the Os.

p. 397 – Nightwing 52 Symbol Hoodie:


“Hey, why do you have a picture of fancy red briefs on your hoodie?”

p. 399 – Dr. Who “The Girl Who Waited” Junior’s Blue T-Shirt:


Totally going to be misinterpreted as some kind of statement of commitment to virginity ’til marriage, just you watch.

p. 402 – Doctor Who “Tardis” All-Over Print Navy Lounge Pants and My Little Pony “Multi-Character” Lounge Pants:


What, I don’t want ponies or sci-fi stuff on my pajama bottoms! That’ll make me look silly when I wear them to the store or the bank!

p. 406-7- Batman Classic TV Series Batman Bust:


Okay, I initially read the blurb as “6′ TALL!” and the idea of having a six-foot bust of Best Batman Adam West in my home was almost too much to bear.

p. 416 – ReAction Figures Alien Action Figures:


The proposed 1979 Alien action figure line finally comes to life. Store shelves that have waited so long, so very long, to be warmed by Dallas figures quiver with excitement.

p. 422 – Futurama Hedonismbot Vinyl Figure:


While I love Hedonismbot, I just don’t have the fifty bucks to frivolously spend on his vinyl representation. Truly I have violated the very spirit of Hedonismbot.

p. 429 – Dumb Ways to Die 4-Inch Rotocast Figurines:


The more merchandise based on Internet videos that’s produced, the greater the chance that I’ll finally get merchandise based on my favorite online cartoon.

p. 430 – Mr. Potato Head Homer Simpson Figure:


Ah, from the new Nightmare Fuel line of children’s toys, apparently. Well done, well done.

p. 438 – Lady Death La Muerta Statue:


“Whoa, what did they do to her face?”

“…She has a face?”

p. 438 – Conan the Brutal Statue:


This will provide a nice contrast to my “Conan the Remarkably Genteel” statue.

p. 442 – Juggernaut Mini-Bust:


“I’M THE JUGGERNAUT, BUST!”

…That was funnier in my head.

p. 443 – Battlestar Galactica Medal of Distinction 1/1-Scale Prop Replica:

“ANOVOS is humbled to release the 1:1-scale replica of Admiral William Adama’s Medal of Distinction featured in Battlestar Galactica’s third season episode, ‘Hero.’”

“Humbled.”

p. 483 – PEZ The Hobbit Movie Gift Set:


While people were mostly favorable to the Hobbit PEZ, they didn’t find it nearly as fresh or interesting as the Lord of the Rings PEZ.

p. 491 – G.G. Allin 1989 Throbblehead:


Let us hope that for maximum authenticity, each Throbblehead has been inserted into someone’s [REDACTED] prior to packaging and shipping.

p. 491 – Bouncing Souls The Guy Mascot Throbblehead:


SUPER-DEFORMED FRANK GORSHIN

p. 494 – Star Trek Pet Product Collection: Uniform Shirt and Spock Hoodie:


Surely this is the Trek reboot movie that we deserved.

p. 498 – The Walking Dead Rockmaster Electric Guitars:


SUNDAY 10 PM: THE WALKING DEAD – Rick finally defeats the walkers with the power of rock, exploding zombie heads with his awesome guitar riffs. WOOOOOOO [Series finale]

Marvel Previews – all those “MARVEL.NOW = ALL-NEW MARVEL NOW #! solicitations:


So we just restarted everything from #1s again, and now we’re kinda-sorta trying to do it again? What, did Aspen Comics buy Marvel when I wasn’t looking?

Marvel Previews p. 34-39: Miracleman #1 & #2:


13 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Bully says:

    The thing about the Hobbit Pez is that you have to buy two more sets to get all the candy.

  • Willy Lee says:

    Effin’ G.G.Allin…

  • Sleestak says:

    The Hobbits appear to have lost that assault on Joffrey’s castle and joined Stark on the wall

  • Pal Cully says:

    Ya, it’s pogs.

  • ExistentialMan says:

    Oddly, I find myself intrigued by a Ralph’s Comic Corner version of “Deflower the Boss”

  • Harvey Jerkwater says:

    1. The GG Allin bobblehead is standing in a puddle of plastic urine, with a coil of plastic poop in the middle. I’m just sayin’.

    2. The “young variant cover” of Miracleman there got my mind spinning into an image of Young Miracleman and his orgy of violence and depravity that destroyed London in a fraction of a second, as rendered by Bill Watterson. Thanks a lot. Gonna sleep well tonight.

  • Harvey Jerkwater says:

    Wait, wait, it was Kid Miracleman.

    Sorry, it’s been decades since I read the damn things.

  • Lane says:

    Who wants to relive the adventure of Alien. Does chest popping occur and can you strip Ripley down to underwear?

  • Josh says:

    They’re similar to pogs except each chipz is the weight of a slammer. I don’t know what’s going on with Marvel # 1′s but I’m not buying into it. That and the new 52 ruined both mainstream companies for me. But, it wasn’t done for me, anyway. Love your end of civilization posts; it’ll surely be the true end of times when these end.

  • Snark Shark says:

    “Chipz”

    yup- pogs! LAME.

    “ReAction Figures Alien Action Figures”

    THAT
    IS
    AWESOME!!!

    “Lady Death La Muerta Statue:”

    she doesn’t need the scythe- she can kill WITH HER BOOBS.

    “This will provide a nice contrast to my “Conan the Remarkably Genteel” statue.”

    or Conan the Librarian!

    “G.G. Allin 1989 Throbblehead”

    that’s the least appropriate musician to be a bobblehead, unless they do a Varg bobblehead or a Gary Glitter bobblehead.

  • Snark Shark says:

    “and can you strip Ripley down to underwear?”

    GOOD GAWD, LET’S HOPE SO!

  • John Austin says:

    Jonatha Brooke! So you’re the other person that remembers her.

  • mike says:

    ha ha ha great jokes for juggernaut and gorsh!