It’s issue #300 of Diamond Previews! And it’s also, like, installment #2800 of this, my End of Civilization series of posts. Not sure how the math worked out there, exactly, but oh goodness those numbers feel right. Anyhow, grab your own copy of Previews for September 2013, and follow along as I peer at a few of the goodies contained within:
p. 139 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #1:
Hopefully we’ll eventually get the Kamandi/Scooby-Doo team-up where Scooby is revealed to be the progenitor of all the talking animals from Kamandi’s future.
p. 141 – The Sandman Overture Special Edition #1:
“Hey, remember that Sandman #1 you bought last month? Well, you’re a sucker, because here’s a much better Sandman #1 out this month! Will there be another even more special version of #1 out next month? I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out!”
p. 153 – Batman: Hush Batman and Catwoman Kiss Statue:
Oh yeah, Batman and Catwoman want to rock and roll all night, and party every da…wait, what? Not that kind of KISS? …Well, damn.
p. 171 – Doctor Who: Prisoners of Time #12:
I’ve been waiting for the last year for an issue of this series to have a Peter Cushing cover. I’d better not be disappointed.
p. 174 – My Little Pony Micro-Series: Spike:
At long last, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover you never expected!
p. 181 – Mars Attacks: The Human Condition:
Looks like the Martians are taking on our awareness of our own mortality as well as our general interest in the universe around us and our desire to perpetuate ourselves either through our offspring or through our works or both. I guess you got us, Martians.
p. 267 – All New Fathom #5:
Whoa whoa whoa hold on there, issue 5? That’s just crazy talk. You guys really need to start over with another Fathom #1.
p. 396 – Inside Seka The Platinum Princess of Porn:
p. 397 – The Death Star Owner’s Technical Manual:
“Errata: There is a minor design flaw involving the thermal exhaust port and its direct access to the reactor core. However, this should not interfere with the enjoyment of your new Death Star.”
p. 397 – Star Wars Frames HC:
Each frame personally hand-altered by George Lucas. Oh, hey, in this one, the rancor shoots first! Awesome!
p. 397 – Star Wars A Very Vader Valentine’s Day SC:
“‘I’m all choked up over you!’ Ah, Padmé, you shouldn’t have!”
p. 415 – Thanos “Infinity Indeed” Black T-Shirt:
I am sure there is an explanation for this. I am sure I could Google it. I think I am probably better off not knowing.
p. 416 – Alpha Flight Red Heather T-Shirt:
“Excuse me? Do you have a brightly-colored t-shirt featuring the heads of members of a no-longer-published superhero team the name of which I forget, each member with a gunsight target superimposed over their heads, and the promise of one of their deaths emblazoned below the image?”
“Hmmm…lemme think. The Champions? Primal Force? Team Youngblood? Combat Kelly and his Deadly Dozen? Help me out here.”
“Oh, yeah, they’re Canadian.”
“Oh, Alpha Flight! Right this way, sir.”
p. 433 – Lost in Space Minimates Robot and Dr. Smith Two-Pack:
Dr. Smith comes with three heads, with presumably three different expressions: “prissy,” “very prissy,” and “extremely prissy.” Or “alluring,” “very alluring,” and “extremely alluring.” Your mileage may vary.
p. 445 – The Lone Ranger 7-Inch Series 2 Action Figures:
For those of you who needed to recalibrate your personal definitions of “high hopes,” here is a second series of these figures to help you out.
p. 448 – Skele-Treks 5-Inch Action Figures:
Surely this will be the creepiest item based on a popular sci-fi franchise that I’ll see in this month’s Previews.
p. 459 – The Walking Dead Daryl Dixon Walker Ear Prop:
Not that Walking Dead is uniquely guilty of this, but apparently there’s just an automated rubber stamp machine that just pounds a “YES” onto every merchandise suggestion memo that passes through it.
p. 471 – Mr Potato Head Doctor Who The Eleventh Doctor:
Forget what I said about the Skele-Treks. This is the creepiest item based on a popular sci-fi franchise that I’ll see in this month’s Previews.
p. 474 – Kick-Ass 2 400% Bearbricks:
Now, this movie people might have gone to see.
p. 509 – Minecraft The Game That Changed Everything HC:
Even as we speak, the publisher is currently rushing collected sugar cane back to the crafting table to make paper for all these books. Please appreciate the efforts they’re going through, and of course mourn the interns lost to Creepers and Endermen.