O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! It’s time once again for the gift that keeps on giving, no matter how much you’d like it to stop…the End of Civilization, as brought to us by the monthly arrival of the new Diamond Previews! Grab your copy of the July 2013 issue and follow along…and keep in mind, my Iceman joke could have been a lot more awful:
p. 30 – The Star Wars #1:
Yes, it’s an actual adaptation of George Lucas’s original…outline? Rough draft? Bar napkins? for what we would come to know and love as The Movie Series That Would Eventually Bring Us Jar Jar Binks, only this time starring Idealized Version of George Lucas as Himself, and, um…
…Swamp Thing, apparently, as pointed out to me by a few Internet pals.
Clearly this blazes an important trail for future Dark Horse projects along these lines, such as Billie The Vampire Kicker, The Horrible Ambulatory-Penis Alien Monsters, and Conan the Fellow with Simply Barbaric Table Manners.
p. 44 – Kiss Me, Satan #1:
Ew, gross, Satan’s breath smells like stale cigarettes and his tongue is, like, everywhere. …Don’t ask how I know.
p. 69 – Marvel Classic Character X-Men #5 – Iceman:
Made entirely of that stuff you find inside Twinkies. Lick your Iceman today!
p. 71 – DC Villains Month:
As noted before, trying to order DC’s books for this month will almost certainly kill me. So it’s not just the End of Civilization this time, kids…it’s the End of Your Pal Mike. So long, everyone! Thanks for reading!
p. 141 – The New 52 Swamp Thing Deluxe Action Figure:
Yeah, yeah, you’ve got my money, DC. But wait, what’s this?
Okay, I’m skipping all that Villains Month nonsense and using the money to order boatloads of these just to make sure I get one. “Allocated,” my ass.
p. 178 – Sex Criminals #1:
I like this strategy of Image’s to throw the word “sex” into the titles of their new series. Maybe they can go back and do the same with some previous series, to perk up flagging sales a bit. Sex Projects. East of Sex. Sex Grand. Sex Dragon. Sex Hunters. Skullsexers. Cyber Sex. Sex Tank. No-sex Men…ooh, no, scratch that one.
p. 233 – Gorn on the Bayou T-Shirt:
Man, I don’t even know.
p. 246 – Afterlife with Archie #1:
“Archie Zombies,” everyone. I’m surprisingly amused by this, though this particular variant cover:
…is a bit alarming. HOT DOG, NO
Am also looking forward to Breaking Archie, with Mr. Flutesnoot recruiting bad boy Reggie to help build his drug-dealing empire.
p. 255 – God Is Dead #1:
On the one hand, it’s an Avatar cover with no one being disemboweled or otherwise tortured, for once. On the other hand…well, that’s gonna get some looks, regardless.
p. 373 – The Official DC Super Hero Cookbook HC:
The Swamp Thing garden salad is surprisingly easy to make. The Ocean Master’s Fugu Surprise, not so much.
p. 374 – DC Super Heroes: Batman – Bat-Mite’s Big Blunder TP:
“Hee hee, Batman! I restarted all of DC’s superhero titles, including a whole bunch that star you, and took away Superman’s red trunks so he’d look silly and everyone would like you more! Aren’t you happy?”
p. 395 – Sons of Anarchy “R.I.P. Opie” Black T-Shirt:
I knew Opie was chafing under Sheriff Andy’s paternalistic care, but I never thought it would come to this. NOT THIS
p. 396 – Star Wars “I’m Not Sorry” Black T-Shirt:
p. 413 – Marvel Infinity Gauntlet Bottle Opener:
Yeah, fine, that’s all well and good, but what we need is an actual Infinity Gauntlet glove. No, not like that high-end “prop” that may or may not have been wearable and cost hundreds of dollars. I mean, like, a mass-market thing (or as mass-market as the direct comics market can manage) – something relatively inexpensive and readily available for fans across the world to wear, each and every day, at home and work, on dates and to church, declaring to the world around them that yes, we, the comic fans of America and lands abroad, love wearing single gloves with colored plastic jewels on them that the general public will eventually recognize as something from Marvel Comics if and when it puts in an appearance in The Avengers 2.
p. 419 – Axe Cop Avocado Solider 8-Inch Plush and Wexter 12-Inch Plush:
Toys based on the comic book written by a five-year-old and drawn by his 29-year-old brother…makes me wish someone would make a stuffed doll out of my five-year-old self’s drawings:
You know you’d buy one.
p. 444 – DC Comics Shazam New 52 ArtFX+ Statue:
Not to be disrespectful or anything…but do you think C.C. Beck’s body has ever stopped spinning since being put in its grave?
p. 458 – Star Wars Jabba the Hutt 12-Inch Talking Plush:
Only 12 inches? PFFFFT. Call me when you get to 1/1 scale, baby…I’ve got a living room to fill.
p. 458 – Star Wars Yoda Super Deluxe 24-Inch Talking Plush:
WARNING: Do not hollow out and use as children’s Halloween costume. Also, don’t do…things with it, you weirdos.
p. 476 – Stan Lee Signature Cologne for Men:
Moustache not included. BUT IT SHOULD BE.
p. 492 – My Little Pony Equestria Girls:
So a while back on this site, I talked about a series of videotapes released by a certain indie comics publisher that featured girls in superhero outfits fighting each other, and when I made reference to this as essentially a fetish video, I received an impassioned response from said publisher that nothing could be farther from the truth, there’s no way videos of girls in costumes fighting each other could be construed as any kind of fetish thing.
Just came to mind, for some reason.
p. 497 – Swamp Thing Blu-Ray:
Finally, I can see each fold and zipper in every rubbery suit with the clarity I deserve. …Speaking of fetish videos.
Marvel Previews p. 8 – Infinity #3 Lego Variant:
Oh for God’s sake, yet another new kind of variant cover, but, um, well, it’s kind of cute NO STOP you know I guess it’s okay SMITE HIM