Hey there, crazy kids and kool kats! Here’s another dollop of dorkiness from the pages of your favorite comic book catalog, Diamond Previews…grab your copy of the June 2013 edition, and do try to keep up…!
p. 87 – Action Comics #23:
“…In the backup story, Joer-El and Lara try to save the Science Council from the colonel who seeks to make all of Krypton kneel before him!”
If you’re not yet tired to “kneel before me!” call-backs to Superman II…you will be. You will be.
p. 148-9 – T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1:
Surely this will be the revival of a nearly-forgotten decades-old com…wait. Hold on. This feels familiar.
p. 171 – Star Trek #24:
Guys, c’mon, seriously. WHY IS THAT THE VARIANT COVER, and not the regular, easily-available-and-purchasable cover? Are you afraid of money?
p. 229 – Night of the ’80s Undead #2:
Not to be confused with…
p. 230 – Rogues #5:
Not to be confused with….
p. 232 – Detroit Lion-Os T-Shirt:
Well, I’m certain the NFL will have a fine sense of humor about this. They’re an easy-going bunch of guys.
p. 246 – Betty & Veronica #267:
In this issue, Archie learns about the genital papilla, much to his dismay.
p. 387 – Star Wars Lightsaber Thumb Wrestling:
“Enact your favorite lightsaber battles from all six Star Wars films! Simply attach the two plastic lightsabers – one blue and one red – to dueling thumbs with Velcro…”
“…and enact your favorite battle scenes. Each of the seven spreads acts as a ‘game board,’ or a stage for battle.”
Also, presumably unrelated to this.
p. 395 – My Little Pony “Team Pony” Silver T-Shirt:
If only Catherine the Great was still around to enjoy all these fine “Team Pony” products.
p. 404 – My Little Pony “Big Face Dash” Juniors Tunic Tank T-Shirt:
I searched and searched for an online video of that Kirstie Alley Saturday Night Live sketch where the lady aliens explain that their eyes ended up on their breasts via evolutionary pressure from their men always looking there instead of at their faces, but no dice, so here’s a still and a cast list from the sketch instead.
Just came to mind for some reason.
p. 423 – Marvel Labbit:
So now they’re just straight up manufacturing toys based directly on my nightmares. That’s good to know.
p. 445 – Rocky Championship Belt Replica:
“The most iconic and instantly recognizable collectible from the Rocky movies, this intricately detailed Championship belt is accurate to the one seen throughout the Rocky series. Made from heavyweight cast metal with a high quality gold plated finish, genuine leather and layers of ruffled satin, just like the original! The four metal picture frames feature images of the various champions in Rocky movie history – Clubber Lang, Apollo Creed, Ivan Drago, and, of course, Rocky Balboa. This beautifully crafted replica has been crafted with pride from the finest materials available, and is a faithful copy of the original Prop that will be the centerpiece of anyone’s Rocky collection.”
Okay, I was with you up until “anyone’s Rocky collection.” I have a hard time believing anyone whose name doesn’t rhyme with Mylvester Mallone has a Rocky collection.
p. 447 – Frankenstein VFX 1/1-Scale Bust:
“No, Frankie, no…the iPod buds go in your ears.”
p. 463 – Star Trek Mister Spock Maxi-Bust:
Hey, remember that time a penguin accidentally got beamed up with Mr. Spock and their molecules got all mixed up and so for the rest of the episode the crew had to deal with Mr. Spenguin?
ALTERNATE JOKE: This close to being a piece of Bloom County merchandise.
p. 464 – Star Trek Captain Kirk Tinned Candies:
“Each Tribble-shaped candy tastes just like confident swagger and limitless charm.”
p. 466 – Senran Kagura Hibari “Sukumizu Version” PVC Figure:
“…From the popular Senran Kagura video game….” Hmmm, wonder why it was so popular?
p. 484 – Iron Man 3 Iron Man Mark 42 Adult Helmet:
“Hey, this mask is pretty neat, and it opens up, too…OH GOD THERE’S A HUMAN HEAD INSIDE, CALL 911″
p. 492 – Words with Zombies Previews Exclusive Magnet Set:
Not all that different from the Words with Sex Magnet Set.
…What? You don’t shout “BRRRAAIINNSSSSS” when…um. Okay. Forget I said anything.