Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ January 31st, 2013 § Filed under End of Civilization § 18 Comments

Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there! I’m just sittin’ here paging through my copy of Diamond Previews (February 2013 edition) and seeing what swell new items catch my eye! In fact, I list a few of them here…why don’t you grab your own copy of Previews and follow along?

p. 81 – WTF April:


So one of the Big Two companies is doing a month-long promotion called “What The [Expletive] April.” I am looking forward to “MILF March” featuring all the superheroes’ mothers.

p. 152 – Man of Steel Superman 1:6 Scale Iconic Statue:


Whoa, hold up, let’s not jump the gun on using the word “iconic” there, friends.

p. 154 – Aardman Batman and Robin (Classic) Action Figure 2-Pack:


I have no idea what possessed anybody to even suggest this be done, but I’m glad they did.

JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE:

p. 244 – Sesame Street #1 Imagination:


“One of these things is not like the other / One of these things just doesn’t belong” is what I shall sing to the children as I show them the five variant covers on the first issue, and I shall judge them by the cover they single out, oh yes.

p. 253 – Archie #643 Archie Meets Glee, Part 3:


So is this actually published by Archie, or is Fox publishing comic books just that happen to look like Archie? I’m not sure anymore.

p. 372 – Did I Do That? The Best (And Worst) of the ’90s SC:


Nostalgia for the ’90s? Already? I can’t imagine anyone having…


…um…


…YEAH OKAY, FINE.

p. 382 – Star Wars “Wraith Ring” Black T-Shirt:


Wait just a second, Previews…are you trying to tell me there are nerd-centric t-shirts that come in black? The devil you say!

p. 384 – Shawarma T-Shirt:


Oh, you have a lot to answer for, Joss Whedon.

p. 385 – Cross-Processed T-Shirt:


So let’s see here…about that “#hipster” tag. Is it saying that Spider-Man is a hipster? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster by virtue of being a Spider-Man fan? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster because he recognizes the incongruity of Spider-Man and a Twitter-esque “#hipster” tag and thus is wearing the shirt ironically? That the actual name under which the shirt is being marketed is kind of a stretch, and that somehow incorporating the term “octothorpe” would not only be more accurate than “cross,” a Doctor Octopus reference could probably be squeezed in there too since we’re all about the Doc Ock right now.

Shorter version: it’s like the people responsible for the 1960s Teen Titans comics traveled to the future to design this shirt.

p. 399 – R2-D2 Tinned Mints:


I had all kinds of jokes for this, and believe you me, “NOT A SEX TOY” is the least offensive of them.

p. 414 – Giant Microbes:


Hey, wait just a moment…wasn’t that middle dude in the second row in Prometheus?

p. 420 – Puppet Master 1/1-Scale Replica:


When I was but a young Mikester, maybe about four or five or so, I had a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll and, on occasion, just having it in my room would scare the hell out of me.

…So basically if I’d had these Puppet Master dolls at age five, I probably would have had a heart attack.

p. 422 – Star Wars Darth Malgus Mini-Bust:


Now that Disney owns both Star Wars and Marvel, I guess it was only a matter of time before Doctor Doom got lightsabers.

p. 427 – Star Wars Boba Fett Silicone Ice Tray:


I hear they skipped making the Ice Planet of Hoth Ice Tray because, you know, anyone who has a fridge with a built-in ice crusher can do that.

p. 435 – Bruce Lee HD Masterpiece Action Figure:


“BRUUUUCE! You left your Fists of Fury all over the living room floor! Can you pick those up, please?”

“OKAY, MA! Sorry, Ma!”

“And put away your Head of Vague Irritation, too…I don’t like they way it looks at me.”

“Okay, Ma, geez!”

p. 447 – Happy Man Corkscrew:


Man, this Se7en merchandise has taken a weird turn.

p. 462 – The Beatles Yellow Submarine Monopoly:


Do not pass the sky of blue, do not find the sea of green.

p. 462 – Dungeons & Dragons Clue:


“The Beholder…killed Mr. Koboldy in the torture chamber…with the polearm.” “Can Beholders even use polearms?” “SHHH!”

p. 470 – Jedi Junkies DVD:


This hard-hitting documentary examines the impact of death sticks on the Force-using populace. Is your padawan hooked?

p. 470 – Repligator DVD:


I suspect the gator head wouldn’t be a problem for some of those folks out there.

p. 471 – The Complete Space: 1999 Megaset 30th Anniversary Edition:


Oh, I sure do remember all those great episodes of Space: 1999, where Commander Koenig would complain about President Clinton, and they’d all gather around and play the station’s Sega Dreamcast, and they’d download stuff from Napster, and Dr. Russell was hooked on The Sopranos. Man, that Space: 1999 was a good show.

18 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • ExistentialMan says:

    Happy Man Corkscrew meet…Repligator.

  • Tim O'Neil says:

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, if you have the choice, you should probably order heavy on the Elmo cover, maybe not so much on the Count.

  • William Burns says:

    Does anyone here know if the recent Elmo-related scandals had an impact on the sales of Elmo-related merchandise?

  • IT says:

    You made the Glee joke I was going to make. I suppose it was indeed right there.

    Also, are they just *now* getting Giant Microbes? Or is this specific to the new line?

  • Allan says:

    Wouldn’t Spider-Man have a #thwipster tag?

  • De says:

    As annoying as the Avengers/shawarma shirt is, I appreciated Whedon making this into “a thing.” Middle Eastern eateries had a really rough go of it after 9/11 and the demonization of the culture that followed.

  • MrJM says:

    I’m holding out for “Monkeys ‘Head’ Monopoly”.

    – MrJM

  • Rob March says:

    Coincidentally, MILF March is my supervillain alter-ego.

  • Sleestak says:

    They don’t make drinking glasses that look like the maw of the Sarlacc to compliment that Boba Fett ice tray?

  • Andrew Leal says:

    Mike, I wrote most of that Charlie McCarthy article (nearly all in fact) many moons ago on Muppet Wiki. So I’m pleased that we’re your first resource on such vital matters. (Next milestone: Someone links to us for Nixon).

    Also, we’re all excited about the Sesame comics. I’d be torn between the variant with Barkley and the one with Big Bird using Radar to photobomb Baby Bear (is that what the hip kids call it today?)

  • David Z. says:

    If you mean “Why would they make Aardman claymation versions of Batman and Robin?” the answer is a Creature Comforts-ish short produced last year:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Ak7ZMIh74

    If you’re asking why they’d make toys of said characters, I believe the answer is “because they can.”

  • philip says:

    Things I would buy only a little shame-facedly: That Aardman & Robin set because it is the most interesting take on the characters that I’ve seen in years; That ’90s nostalgia book solely because they put the apostrophe in the right place on ’90s; the Space 1999 DVD set but I would probably never get around to watching it and I don’t even remember if that show was any good.

  • Jay V says:

    I can only hope that WTF “event” is something like Marvel’s “Assistant Editors Month” from back in the day. I expect I’ll be disappointed. On a related note, Mike, You should totally do a post or 4 about Assistant Editors Month, cuz those were some wacky comics.

  • Casie says:

    “BRUUUUCE! You left your Fists of Fury all over the living room floor! Can you pick those up, please?”

    Oh boy, love when you write dialogue! :)

    Looking forward to owning a Count/Cookie Monster Sesame Street comic!..And those Aardman figures are magical! Love watching those shorts. British kid sounding Batman with chiclet teeth, always a win!

    So much good here, Mike!

  • Jess says:

    Wow, a Count/Cookie Monster/Barkley cover? All it needs is Forgetful Jones, and five-year-old me would think it was custom-made.

  • Jon h says:

    I suspect the Aardman batman & robin might be somewhat based on the British tv show Only Fools And Horses, where the main characters dress up at some point as a short batman and a tall, skinny robin.

    It’s famous enough that it was referenced in the London Olympics opening ceremony.

    http://www.ofah.net/blog/only-fools-and-horses-batman-and-robin-surgery/

  • Snark Shark says:

    “Cross-Processed T-Shirt”

    Spidey Taking a Dump T-Shirt!

    “Man of Steel Superman 1:6 Scale Iconic Statue”

    Ok, it DOES look wrong without the red shorts.

    “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
    § January 31st, 2013 § Filed under End of Civilization § 16 Comments
    Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there! I’m just sittin’ here paging through my copy of Diamond Previews (February 2013 edition) and seeing what swell new items catch my eye! In fact, I list a few of them here…why don’t you grab your own copy of Previews and follow along?

    p. 81 – WTF April:

    So one of the Big Two companies is doing a month-long promotion called “What The [Expletive] April.” I am looking forward to “MILF March” featuring all the superheroes’ mothers.

    p. 152 – Man of Steel Superman 1:6 Scale Iconic Statue:

    Whoa, hold up, let’s not jump the gun on using the word “iconic” there, friends.

    p. 154 – Aardman Batman and Robin (Classic) Action Figure 2-Pack:

    I have no idea what possessed anybody to even suggest this be done, but I’m glad they did.

    JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE:

    p. 244 – Sesame Street #1 Imagination:

    “One of these things is not like the other / One of these things just doesn’t belong” is what I shall sing to the children as I show them the five variant covers on the first issue, and I shall judge them by the cover they single out, oh yes.

    p. 253 – Archie #643 Archie Meets Glee, Part 3:

    So is this actually published by Archie, or is Fox publishing comic books just that happen to look like Archie? I’m not sure anymore.

    p. 372 – Did I Do That? The Best (And Worst) of the ’90s SC:

    Nostalgia for the ’90s? Already? I can’t imagine anyone having…

    …um…

    …YEAH OKAY, FINE.

    p. 382 – Star Wars “Wraith Ring” Black T-Shirt:

    Wait just a second, Previews…are you trying to tell me there are nerd-centric t-shirts that come in black? The devil you say!

    p. 384 – Shawarma T-Shirt:

    Oh, you have a lot to answer for, Joss Whedon.

    p. 385 – Cross-Processed T-Shirt:

    So let’s see here…about that “#hipster” tag. Is it saying that Spider-Man is a hipster? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster by virtue of being a Spider-Man fan? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster because he recognizes the incongruity of Spider-Man and a Twitter-esque “#hipster” tag and thus is wearing the shirt ironically? That the actual name under which the shirt is being marketed is kind of a stretch, and that somehow incorporating the term “octothorpe” would not only be more accurate than “cross,” a Doctor Octopus reference could probably be squeezed in there too since we’re all about the Doc Ock right now.

    Shorter version: it’s like the people responsible for the 1960s Teen Titans comics traveled to the future to design this shirt.

    “I had all kinds of jokes for this, and believe you me, “NOT A SEX TOY” is the least offensive of them.”

    It is SO a sex toy. “R2-D2: Wrolds Biggest Vibrator”.

  • Snark Shark says:

    WTF??