Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ January 3rd, 2013 § Filed under End of Civilization § 18 Comments

So it turns out this month is the eighth anniversary of my End of Civilization posts…I haven’t tagged all of them yet, mostly because who has the time, and plus the really early ones didn’t have images for all the items, believe it or not. Anyway, if you’re curious, this is the post I’ve always considered as the first EoC entry, even if it’s not named as such, as that particular item really triggered the “what, really?” response in me. Also, in a nice touch, that’s apparently post #666 on the site, so take from that what you will.

Anyway, there’s new stuff coming from Diamond every month, so let’s get an advance warning for what’s headed our way soon by going through the Previews January 2013 edition. Grab your copy and follow along:

p. 31 – FCBD 2013 Commemorative T-Shirt Jim Cheung:

You know, I bet Marvel could make more money selling these with the “CLASSIFIED” design rather than the actual one they’re keeping under wraps. I mean, at least to jaded comic store employees who’d wear them ironically.

p. 188 – Constantine #1:

I don’t have a gag. I’m just reminding you this is happening.

p. 127 – Threshold #3:

The introduction of Captain K’rot, the new, gritty, updated version of Captain Carrot! Hopefully when Marvel gets the Star Wars license back in a couple of years, they can reintroduce Jaxxon:

…and he and K’rot can have one of those intercompany crossover thingies. But only if the comics are painted like in these images.

p. 158 – Superman The Man of Steel Superman by Lee Bermejo Statue:

Another piece of Superman merchandise that still retains the trunks. Also, he seems to come with a postal scale as a base.

p. 167 – Judge Dredd Year One #1:

And now, in the most unexpected comic news of the year:


I would pay real money to read a full Judge Dredd comic by Sim. Abso-freakin’-lutely. (Especially if it included “JUDGE ROACH.”)

p. 238 – Bazooka Joe and His Gang HC:

“The book also includes reproductions of 200 classic Bazooka Joe comics….”


p. 255 – Archie #642:

So, kids being unable to keep their drinks from spilling all over the damn place? Is that a thing these days? I mean, are those even drinks? Are they carrying paint around for some reason? What’s going on? I don’t get you young people and your crazy fads.

p. 285 – Lady Death #24 Bad Teacher Cover:

Say, have they done a “Naughty Librarian” variant cover yet? If not, maybe soon? I’m, um, asking for a customer.

p. 364 – Superman The Ultimate Guide to the Man of Steel:

“Superman gets his power from Earth’s yellow sun….”

“So why’s he wearing armor?”

“Ahem. Yes, well. Earth’s lighter gravity gives him super strength….”

“Yes, but about the armor….”



“Security, please escort Mr. Sterling from the room, thank you very much.”

p. 365 – Doctor Who FAQ All That’s Left to Know About the Most Famous Time Lord in the Universe SC:

“FIRST NAME: Doctor. LAST NAME: Who.” Glad that’s finally cleared up.

p. 380 – The Walking Dead “Keep Calm and Kill Walkers” Black T-Shirt:

Honestly, at first glance I thought that said “kill wankers” and I thought, well, that could be a bit harsh, depending on how they’re using the word “wanker.” …Also, this “keep calm” business is about over, right?

p. 387 – Aquaman Symbol T-Shirt:

“Hey, Chad, love your Star Trek shirt! The emblem seems a bit off, though.”

“IT’S NOT A…ah, forget it.”

p. 396 – Stormtrooper Tinned Mints:

I suppose having to breath your own air all day in one of those helmets, things would start to get a bit ripe. Also, what if in one of the movies, a stormtrooper pulled his helmet off, and instead of a Jango Fett clone face underneath, out poured a bunch of these minty candies? That would be terrifying. And refreshingly yummy. And terrifying.

p. 397 – Light Saber Bottle Opener:

You know, back at the Academy, Yoda was always catching the older Padawans slicing caps off bottles with their lightsabers. “OPEN BREWSKIS WITH THE FORCE, YOU WILL NOT.” “Lighten up, old man!”

p. 402 – Ron English’s Temper Tot Vinyl Figure:

And the weird thing is, I kinda know dudes who look like that. Well, maybe not green, but, like, the body shape, the fashion sense….

p. 429 – Doctor Who Figural Mugs:

You know, the first thing I thought of when I saw these was that hollow-headed alien played by Harvey Korman in the Star Wars Holiday Special, where Bea Arthur as the barkeep would pour a drink into the hole in the top of his head, and the second thing I thought was “why in God’s name is something from the Star Wars Holiday Special an immediate reference point in my mind for anything else?” And then I cried. A lot.

p. 442 – Zombie Figural Bottle Opener:

I wonder if, in the fictional worlds of zombie apocalypse milieus like The Walking Dead, their respective pop cultures are also filled with oddball zombie-related pieces of merchandise. And, when the inhabitants of those particular scenarios come across artifacts such as Zombie Figural Bottle Openers while seeking out much needed supplies, do they regard them with some small measure of irony or just outright dismay or disgust?

I also wonder this about Star Trek. What filled Star Trek’s cultural niche in the fictional Star Trek world? Was it Lost in Space? Did Kirk’s great-great-great-whatever-grandfather wear “DR. SMITH LIVES” buttons and Debbie-the-Bloop ears?

p. 450 – The Lord of the Rings Head Knockers:

“Hey, Gollum, people aren’t really bowled over by that new Hobbit movie…”

“But everyone likes you in it, though!”

p. 457 – Monopoly The Lord of the Rings Edition:


18 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Maxy B says:

    And so you celebrate 8 years of this by closing on the most magnificent groaner of all time. I love you, Mr. Sterling. Now and forever.

  • Roger Green says:

    Seriously,I think you’re right about the CLASSIFIED t-shirt

  • Nate says:

    I refuse to believe that Constantine, whatever the universe, would wear loafers and ankle socks. What’s next, an Izod trench?

  • Greg Burgas says:

    There’s a running gag on Glee about the kids getting Slushies thrown on them by the cool kids. Hence the Archie covers.

    Yes, I watch Glee. Does this mean you’ll throw a Slushy at me if I ever visit your fine establishment again?

  • Should I be worried that I think the Bazooka Joe collection is the greatest thing I’ve heard about this year?

  • Randy Jackson says:

    There is no such thing as too much Jaxxon.

  • IT says:

    I was disappointed that that “Captain Carrot” link didn’t go to a Sesame Street reference.

    I’ll show myself out.

  • Andrew Leal says:

    IT: I suspect you were thinking of the magnificent Captain Vegetable. “It is I… Captain Vegetable! With my carrots, and my cel-er-y!”

  • Robert in New Orleans says:

    My LCS printed up some shirts a few years ago that simply said, “My Other Shirt is a Variant.”

  • A.L. Baroza says:

    I don’t get that Temper Tot. Is that a Marvel license? Or worse, some Hulked-out baby fetish thing? It’s terrifying.

    Also, is that Gollum’s dangly bits? I’m looking at it on a phone.

  • philip says:

    Nice of Lady Death to pay tribute to the brave women who appeared in every heavy metal music video from 1983 through 1987.

  • Pal Cully says:

    I still own that Bazooka Joe comic. Thanks Mike.

  • Sleestak says:

    With that Postal Scale Superman maquette you can weigh the consequences of years of creative mismanagement.

  • Walaka says:

    When I read the K’rot piece, I thought your take was just a funny joke, and I did a GIS to see what it really was… so, so sad. At long last, has everything in superhero comics been stripped of any shred of creativity?

  • Snark Shark says:

    “Monopoly The Lord of the Rings Edition”

    where every railroad is PRECIOUS!

  • MRPRSN says:

    Captain K’Rot looks like he’s sporting a bad comb-over. I would totally read the filly painted K’Rot/Jaxxon crossover though. Maybe they could get Corben on it.

  • Snark Shark says:

    “Also, is that Gollum’s dangly bits?”

    thankfully NOT. just his loincloth.

  • random surfer says:

    So what do you get if collect 100 of the Bazooka Joe HCs and send them in?