I’m sure you’ve all heard the big news: the Walt Disney Company has, after a long negotiation, bought out Progressive Ruin Industries for a grand total of $127, plus a case of Diet Coke. Now I can afford to sit back and watch the End of Civilization in comfort and luxury, and you, the Little People, can follow along yourselves with your November 2012 copy of Diamond Previews:
p.73 – Good Luck Trolls Mystery Box Assortment Series 2:
Now they’re probably hiding the “secret” troll color combination with that silhouette-with-question-mark image, but what if…what if…that “mystery troll” actually looked just like this:
All black, with a question mark painted over the front. That would be swell.
p. 147 – The All New Metallic Superman by Frank Miller Statue:
“Say, Bill, why do you have a statue of Superman doing a pirouette?”
“I’ll have you know this is a representation of Superman from one of the greatest graphic novels of all time.”
“Superman Versus Baryshnikov? Can I borrow it?”
p. 152 – Mars Attacks Popeye:
Man, that “Destroying A Jeep” card is particularly traumatizing.
p. 155 – Star Trek Countdown to Darkness #1:
Not to be confused with Star Trek: Countdown to The Darkness, where the Enterprise crew travels back in time to just sorta hang around in a concert hall before that band comes on stage.
p. 178 – Hey, wait a second…
…Perhaps you missed them back on page #152, Weird Cartoony IDW Mascot Guy:
p. 237 – Expendable Stormtroopers T-Shirt:
Psst. Hey. Hey Disney. Over here. Get a load of what’s goin’ on here.
p. 240 – Archie Meets Glee:
Looking forward to the inevitable “Archie Meets Breaking Bad.”
Walt: “I’M THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!”
Moose: “Duh…I love jokes! ‘Who’s there?’”
Walt: “D’OH!” (flips backward, feet and legs sticking up from bottom of panel)
p. 241- Archie The Married Life Volume 3 TP:
They’re sure milking the hell out of this “Archie gets married” thing. I expect multiple trade paperbacks out of the eventual “Archie: The Bitter, Acrimonious Divorce” saga.
p. 348 – DC Batman Automobilia Collection Magazine:
Will this series last long enough to eventually get around to the Bat-villains’ sweet rides? In particular, this vehicle? I certainly hope so.
p. 354 – The Geek Handbook SC:
“How to Most Efficiently Bite the Heads off Chickens.” “The Carny Life: As Exciting As You Want It to Be.” “Living in Filth: Not As Bad As It Sounds.”
p. 356 – The History of Mario 1981-1991 TP:
So I was all ready to call the book on cutting off the history just before the 1993 release of the Super Mario Bros. movie, thus avoiding having to deal with it, but the actual solicitation does mention the film’s existence. Way to joke-block me, Previews.
p. 367 – Before Watchmen Nite Owl Symbol T-Shirt:
Test the face perception/pareidolic abilities of passerby with this vaguely face-resembling image!
p. 380 – Star Wars Angry Birds Koosh Faceball Packs:
If any of you plan on taking that Han Solo Angry Bird faceball to Harrison Ford to sign at some point in the near future, please let me know so I can be there to see the look on his face.
p. 382 – Justice League Logo Trexis:
After the wholesale rejection of Jim Lee’s New 52 costume designs for all of DC’s heroes as being “too complicated,” the next reboot’s costumes will follow a different strategy.
p. 387 – Twilight 1/18 Scale Die-Cast Replicas:
Remember back when Twilight fans would divide themselves into “Team Ford Police Cruiser” and “Team Chevy Truck?” Oh, youth, you so crazy.
p. 388 – Star Wars Kenner Power Droid Jumbo Action Figure:
Okay, Disney, listen, I only ask for one thing: a giant motorized version of this action figure that I can ride around in. C’mon, dudes. C’MON. I KNOW YOU GOT THE MONEY.
p. 390 – IT Conquered The World Statue:
The statue costs about a hundred bucks…which is about what they originally spent on the prop for the film, I think.
p. 392 – Gingerdead Man 1/1-Scale Replica:
I was hoping someday there would be the perfect piece of merchandise immortalizing Gary Busey’s finest role, and lo, it has come.
p. 400 – DC Comics Batman The Killing Joke The Joker ArtFX Statue:
HEY, DOES THIS STATUE COME WITH A BONDAGE CROTCH-CHERUB
OH GOOD THANK YOU
p. 427 – DC Heroes Grow Toys:
Tiny figures you add water to, and then they grow to six times their original size. Surely there must be one of these for the Atom. SURELY THERE MUST.
p. 433 – Marvel Heroes Cufflink Sets:
People who aren’t comic book fans are going to draw some mightily inappropriate conclusions from seeing you sporting your Punisher cufflinks.
p. 444 – The Lord of the Rings Dice Building Game:
“So, how do you play?”
“Um..you dump out all these dice, and then you spin the dial to see what you build with them.”
“Okay.” (spins dial) “Uh oh, we have to build a 1/25 scale model of Minas Tirith.”
“Well, better get started. Let’s move the furniture out of the room, first.”
Marvel Previews p. 76 – Marvel’s Thor Adaptation #1:
This “comic book adaptation of a movie based on a comic book that’s coming out way too late to take advantage of either the theatrical release or the home video release” trend is a strange one. But as long as they’re doing it, can we get one of the Roger Corman Fantastic Four film? Because that deserves four color immortality.