Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Another month, another Previews catalog, and another one of these…the End of Civilization, where I take a look at some things slowly slouching towards your local funnybook shop, and proceed to either crack wise at, or despair of, them. Don’t make me go through it alone…grab your copy of the September 2012 issue of Previews and accompany me on my little retail excursion:
Cover – Rotworld crossover event:
Oh, sure, there’s guy flyin’ around in an iron suit on the flipside of the new Previews, but pffft who wants to look at that nonsense when you’ve got Swamp Thing doin’ his thing on this cover?
p. 12 – Indie Edge:
Hey, you know, “Able,” “Abel,” either / or, that’s close enough.
p. 69 – Game of Thrones Tyrion Statue:
It’s a damn shame this is just part of a series of Game of Thrones statues and not a line of Peter Dinklage statues. Oh, sure, your high-falutin’ film fans will want the Station Agent statue, but the real fans will want the Maurice statue from Tiptoes.
p. 78 – Wonder Woman #14:
At long last, Wonder Woman has finally achieved her full potential, as Batman’s newest Robin.
p. 113 – Deathstroke #14:
Oh, man, we’re gonna miss you, Rob.
p. 143 – DC Comics Super Heroes Supergirl Bust:
Honestly, you can’t just half-commit to Walking Like An Egyptian. C’mon, Kara, what would the Bangles say?
p. 143 – DC Comics Super Heroes Shazam! Bust:
“Mom makes me wear this when it’s raining. …Seriously, guys, stop laughing!”
p. 146 – The Dark Knight Rises “The Bat” Glass Etching:
If there’s one iconic image that represents Batman to the public at large, it’s…this one vehicle-thingie that appears in just this one movie and will probably never be seen again. Not, like, the Bat-symbol or anything.
p. 198 – Spawn #225:
I hear the probability of finding the “Ron Paul Wins!” variant is practically nonexistent.
p. 362 – Doctor Who Doctionary HC:
You know, it’s kind of a cheat to use the same pic of River Song for the definitions of both “overplayed” and “pandering.”
p. 378 – “Dim Shield” and “Like A Hawk” T-Shirts:
“Dim Shield” is probably the least-used of derogatory terms villains would shout at Cap. And the guy on the other shirt looks nothing like Hawkeye.
p. 395 – Star Trek Select Spock Figure:
Unclear as to whether or not the Horta is separate from the base. I think it is, but I’m not sure. But here’s hoping at long last I can finally have my Horta action figure and I can stop using that old baked potato stuffed with overcooked cheese.
…What?
p. 407 – E.T. Bendable Figure:
The “E.T. flashes Gertie” scene was cut after poor reaction from test audiences.
p. 407 – E.T. Hand with Lighted LED Finger:
This is identified as a “role-play accessory” in the catalog, and all I can picture is a kid running around shouting “the maniac has cut off E.T.s hand, OH GOD WHY”
p. 412 – Tarzan of the Apes 100th Anniversary Statue:
Not pictured: the Nude Variant:
p. 416 – Street Fighter Sagat 1/4-Scale Statue:
Not sure I care for this Nick Fury redesign for the forthcoming Joss Whedon S.H.I.E.L.D. TV series.
p. 424 – DC Comics Green Lantern Movie Light-Up Be@rbrick:
You know, this reveal of the First Lantern from the current Green Lantern comics is kind of disappointing.
p. 426 – Doctor Who Large Inflatable Dalek:
p. 427 – Final Fantasy 25th Anniversary Accessories:
Okay, that’s actually the pen case, but I swear, at first glance I thought it was a Final Fantasy-themed coffin. …Hey, don’t look at me like that, you know that’s within the realm of possibility.
p. 430 – Star Trek Captain Jean-Luc Picard Mini-Bust:
“Engage my finger.”
“Oh, Captain, no! Not to the Andorian ambassador!”
p. 431 – Star Wars 7-Inch Taking Plush Balls:
This is not the direction I expected for the inevitable Star Trek/Star Wars crossover, as the crew of the Enterprise gets involved in a civil war amongst mutated tribbles.
p. 439 – Black Widow Perfume for Women:
I’m just going to let this amazing solicitation text speak for itself:
Russian Spy, Trained Assassin, World Class Ballerina, Girl from Legal Department. A clear shot of citrus and fresh berries create a statement which slowly gives way to a sensual caramel and honey note; but kept too sweet by a pairing of dry Australian Sandalwood. Then, like a spider spindling silently from above, Black Widow dries down to a deeply desirous gourmand delight of bitter chocolate, clear patchouli and praline. This is a fragrance for those who can navigate the high-tension tightrope of love and duty – and who knows what it takes to be called Black Widow.
I am so totally sold, I can’t even tell you.
p. 441 – Tintin Snowy and Crocodile Plush:
You see, when the plucky pet of a young reporter and a hideous member of the family Crocodylidae love each other very much….
p. 442 – Pez Presidents of the United States Gift Sets:
Extra-sized Taft dispenser sold separately.
p. 442 – Gaming Dice Set Hard Candy:
Candy shaped like (and usable as) gaming dice. …There’s no possible way this could go horribly wrong.
p. 450 – Incredible Hulk Fist Pewter Keyring:
“So, um, Steve…I see by your keyring you’re really into…uh, fists, I guess.”
“What? No, it’s a Hulk keyring…see, it says ‘Hulk’ right there.”
“Yeah, whatever, Steve, keep it to yourself.”
p. 452 – Pez Star Trek The Next Generation Gift Set:
DAMMIT Wesley’s screwed again! Maybe he was off with the Traveler Pez dispenser when this set was assembled.
p. 454 – Anti-Zombie-Viral Hand Sanitizer:
So, by cleaning your hands with this hand-sanitizer, the surviving germs will continue to spread, requiring stronger sanitizers, which result in stronger germs, and this Darwinian cascade will eventually result in the actual zombie viral epidemic breaking out. DAMN YOU, CLEAN PEOPLE…YOU’VE KILLED US ALL!
p. 465 – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Collector’s Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not play any reindeer games.
…Yeah, I know, it was low-hanging fruit, but c’mon, it was right there!
p. 698 – Amazing Spider-Man #698:
“The end of Spider-Man’s world begins when Doctor Octopus discovers who Peter Parker really is.”
I originally read this as “Doc Ock finds out Spidey’s secret identity,” but maybe he just finds out that Peter Parker is, like, a jerk or something. “Man, that Parker kid never tips! What a dick!”
Able? Ouch.
That ET hand prop is even creepier if you’ve ever heard the phrase “hand of glory”.
“Deathstroke #14”
OH MY.
It’s Wolver-Hawk!
“DC Comics Super Heroes Supergirl Bust”
I like her hair. Looks surprisingly lifelike.
“I hear the probability of finding the “Ron Paul Wins!” variant is practically nonexistent.”
LOL!
“I thought it was a Final Fantasy-themed coffin”
IT LOOKS LIKE A COFFIN. Or at least a BODYBAG.
Doesn’t that make Shazam Batman’s newest Robin, too?
Say what you will about that Be@rbrick Green Lantern action figure, but the Super Friends-era packaging is *awesome*.
I hate what they’re doing with Cap. I hate it so much.
That inflatable Dalek is a fetish-in-waiting for someone.
I would buy the hell out of a Picard face-palm statue.
– I’m impressed by how small Supergirl’s bust is. Seriously.
– The woman in the background of Robin!WW has a skull for hair. That’s totally awesome.
– ET Hand: “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you!” “Moooooooom!”
– My evolutionary biology teacher did caution about over-use of antibacterial soap.
– I was sure you were going to make a Palpatine joke about Doc Ock. “Something something Dark Side something something Spiderman.”
Is it wrong of me to want that SPOCK / HORTA set as badly as I do?
Spock should come with a voice chip of Leonard Nemoy shouting; “PAIN!!!!!”
And inflatable Dalek calls to me… i do not know why.
I can’t decide if I’d want to wear that Widow perfume or pour it on my pancakes.
Hulk keyring…..fist…..joke. Tee hee hee. So very funny.
Oh, and I would definitely buy a Marxist Maurice statue.
The cost of Disney buying Marvel: Four-Fingered Iron Man!
Forget the inflatable Dalek, I want an inflatable Leela!
Sheeesh! No one knows how to spell “Jessica Alba” these days?
Swamp Thing on the cover of Previews!
And Swamp Mark lived happily ever after.
THE END.
Hey Mike, Wesley doesn’t need the licensing fees. Wil Wheaton is rolling in Internet $$$
That’s how that works, right?
Wesley didn’t appear in the Playboy parody either, of course. So that’s the likely reason. Wheaton has plenty of Suicide Girls to placate him.
What book is the Tarzan Nude Variant from, Sterling?
If Jane’s nude in it as well– then I MUST HAVE IT!
If there were a line of Dinklage statues, how annoyed would Mike get at people who kept trying to pass the American Death at a Funeral as the imported British version?
“That ET hand prop is even creepier if you’ve ever heard the phrase “hand of glory”.”
Doesn’t that just let you use a third magic ring in place of a magic necklace?
It looks like Hawkman is trying to shove his unprotected forearm into Deathstroke’s sword. And yet, it can’t be a Geoff Johns comic!
What? Nobody’s talking about Swampy’s new origin?