Didn’t I just do one of these? Well, none of you stopped me, so here’s another one…another long slog through that sizable tome men dare to call…Diamond Previews. Pop open your copy of the August 2012 edition and follow along…if, you know, you’re not busy or nuthin’:
p. 48-9 – B.P.R.D. 1948 #1:
p. 73 – Marvel Classic Character Series 2 #5 Iron Man:
I mean, just look at that. Iron-on-iron crime, that’s a damn shame.
p. 116 – Deathstroke #13:
“Be careful back there, Zealot! This pavement is hot! OOH OUCH OUCH OW”
“OH NO, I TRIPPED!”
p. 136 – Masters of the Universe The Origin of Skeletor #1:
“So what was it, Skeletor? What turned you to a life of evil?”
“Well…many years ago, I was forced to appear in an awful cartoon that primarily existed to advertise toys.”
p. 184 – Cyber Force #1:
“Thanks to the support of fans through Kickstarter and participating comic shops, you can get the first FIVE issues of CYBER FORCE at no cost.”
Of course, the next step will be paying readers to pick up your comics, but there are some titles shadowhawk even that won’t work for.
p. 306-7 – Watchmen Rorschach Toaster:
p. 337 – Haganai I Don’t Have Many Friends:
Hey, I don’t remember signing off on a manga biography about me. I especially don’t have any skirts that color.
p. 344 – The Rocky Horror Picture Show TP:
Oh, good, they’re finally collecting this mini-series from way back when. I ruined my copies using the water pistols during the rainstorm scene. …Yeah, that’s how they got wet. Absolutely.
p. 426 – Create Your Own Superhero Action Figure Kit:
The Watchmen “Lower Manhattan” and Tarot Witch of the Black Rose “Haunted Vagina” expansion sets are available separately for collectors 18 and over.
p. 428 – The Walking Dead Plush Assortment:
Two thoughts: 1) I never in my life thought I’d see plushy tombstones; 2) Does Rick have Velcroed detachable bits?
p. 430 – Batman Arkham City Batarang Full-Size Replica:
“Step right in, sir…Doctor Batman is ready to administer your prostate exam.”
p. 430 – Cable Classic Statue:
Oh, c’mon, it’s not that classic…you can see his feet. And his head is almost in the proper proportion to his body. I CALL FOUL
p. 434 – Star Wars Sebulba & Young Anakin Mini-Bust 2-Pack:
Surely this will irritate Sebulba fans who’ll feel forced into buying a Young Anakin statue, as well as irritating Young Anakin fans who’ll have to…ah, who am I kidding? There are no Young Anakin fans.
p. 445 – Rambo III John Rambo HD Masterpiece Action Figure:
Please enjoy the one time the words “Rambo” and “Masterpiece” appear this close to each other.
p. 446 – Ikki Tousen Dragon Destiny Kanu Unchou “Sword Version 2″ PVC Figure:
“…She is bent over, displaying her panties and revealing part of her ample chest as her too-small shirt hikes up.”
Yes, yes, tell me that again, only more slo…I MEAN I’m shocked, SHOCKED, at such filth in this catalog!
p. 449 – Star Wars Yoda 12-Inch Mouth Moving Plush:
Wallace Shawn in his most challenging role yet!
p. 449 – Star Wars Princess Leia 9-Inch Talking Plush:
Does not have the moving-mouth feature of the above Yoda doll. Sorry to disappoint you, you pervy weirdos.
p. 468 – Geek Battle Trivia Game:
Not to be confused with the “Geek Battle Overhand Slap Fight Game.”
p. 473 – Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, because someone on some Doctor Who message board will start griping about how the Doctor passed “GO” incorrectly, and how they wouldn’t have done it that way in the old days, before Russell Davies got his hands on it and ruined everything, and it totally violates continuity since the Third Doctor once said he was prohibited from ever actually passing “GO” and why don’t they finally reveal that Mr. Monopoly is actually the Rani, what are they waiting for?
p. 473 – South Park Collector’s Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not…um, kill Kenny? Do they still kill Kenny? I have no idea, I haven’t seen this show in years.
Marvel Previews p. 43 – Daredevil End of Days #1:
Matt Murdock’s the final secret? That his the editor was kidnapped?
Marvel Previews p. 49 – Dexter #1:
So therefore this is based on the novels, and not the TV show, which, by the way, have gone in fairly different directions. So either this will have no likeness rights for the TV show actors, which will annoy fans, or it will have likenesses of actors but still be in the novels’ continuity, which will annoy fans, or it will be vague enough to be either in the TV show continuity or the novel continuity, with character likenesses close enough to pass for the actors without requiring specific permissions (if they’re even required in the first place, depending on the contracts) but will still annoy fans, because when aren’t they annoyed, really.
…But I’ll still probably buy it.
Marvel Previews p. 67 – Wolverine Max #1:
AT LAST, Wolverine gets to use his swears, just like in the movies seen by every child under 12 who won’t be allowed to buy this comic.