So I finally picked up one of those DC Super Pets kids books for myself, and it should probably be obvious why:
Yup, it’s because I loves me some opossums. Also, Swamp Thing is in this book.
It’s a prose book, done in the classic kid book style with many colorful illustrations, giving me flashbacks to my long-ago tenure as a children’s librarian. There’s a section at the front of the book presenting an illustrated dramatis personae of the folks within, informing us that those four animals with Swampy on the cover are in fact his pets, the Down Home Critter gang (Mossy the Skunk, Merle the Possum, Loafers the Basset Hound, and Starlene the Raccoon).
The story involves Solomon Grundy and his own legion of evil pets attempting to raise up the dead pets from all the pet cemeteries around the world as his personal army…pretty gruesome for a kid’s book, I think as an adult in my forties, while realizing from personal library experience that kids would be perfectly okay with this. Anyway, Batman and Ace the Bathound are involved, because why not, and when Swamp Thing takes off with Batman in the Batplane to handle trouble elsewhere in the marshlands:
…that leaves the Down Home Critter Gang to deal with the menace for the majority of the story.
It’s all cute and funny, with Solomon’s pets being suitably gross, and it’s charmingly illustrated by Art Baltazar, which should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with his work from Tiny Titans or Superman Family. Plus, there are some nice shots of Swamp Thing throughout, including a full page image of him shaking hands with Batman, which is probably the last thing I ever expected to see in a children’s picture book. And at one point, Solomon Grundy stands in a graveyard and commands “rise, zombie pets, rise!” which reminds me of Blackest Night so I’m going to think of this as tie-in, just because.
Didn’t I just do one of these? Well, none of you stopped me, so here’s another one…another long slog through that sizable tome men dare to call…Diamond Previews. Pop open your copy of the August 2012 edition and follow along…if, you know, you’re not busy or nuthin':
p. 48-9 – B.P.R.D. 1948 #1:
p. 73 – Marvel Classic Character Series 2 #5 Iron Man:
I mean, just look at that. Iron-on-iron crime, that’s a damn shame.
p. 116 – Deathstroke #13:
“Be careful back there, Zealot! This pavement is hot
! OOH OUCH OUCH OW”
“OH NO, I TRIPPED!”
p. 136 – Masters of the Universe The Origin of Skeletor #1:
“So what was it, Skeletor? What turned you to a life of evil?”
“Well…many years ago, I was forced to appear in an awful cartoon that primarily existed to advertise toys.”
p. 184 – Cyber Force #1:
“Thanks to the support of fans through Kickstarter and participating comic shops, you can get the first FIVE issues of CYBER FORCE at no cost.”
Of course, the next step will be paying readers to pick up your comics, but there are some titles shadowhawk even that won’t work for.
p. 306-7 – Watchmen Rorschach Toaster:
p. 337 – Haganai I Don’t Have Many Friends:
Hey, I don’t remember signing off on a manga biography about me. I especially don’t have any skirts that
p. 344 – The Rocky Horror Picture Show TP:
Oh, good, they’re finally collecting this mini-series from way back when. I ruined my copies using the water pistols during the rainstorm scene. …Yeah, that’s how they got wet. Absolutely.
p. 426 – Create Your Own Superhero Action Figure Kit:
The Watchmen “Lower Manhattan” and Tarot Witch of the Black Rose “Haunted Vagina” expansion sets are available separately for collectors 18 and over.
p. 428 – The Walking Dead Plush Assortment:
Two thoughts: 1) I never in my life thought I’d see plushy tombstones; 2) Does Rick have Velcroed detachable bits?
p. 430 – Batman Arkham City Batarang Full-Size Replica:
“Step right in, sir…Doctor Batman is ready to administer your prostate exam.”
p. 430 – Cable Classic Statue:
Oh, c’mon, it’s not that
classic…you can see his feet. And his head is almost in the proper proportion to his body. I CALL FOUL
p. 434 – Star Wars Sebulba & Young Anakin Mini-Bust 2-Pack:
Surely this will irritate Sebulba fans who’ll feel forced into buying a Young Anakin statue, as well as irritating Young Anakin fans who’ll have to…ah, who am I kidding? There are
no Young Anakin fans.
p. 445 – Rambo III John Rambo HD Masterpiece Action Figure:
Please enjoy the one time the words “Rambo” and “Masterpiece” appear this close to each other.
p. 446 – Ikki Tousen Dragon Destiny Kanu Unchou “Sword Version 2″ PVC Figure:
“…She is bent over, displaying her panties and revealing part of her ample chest as her too-small shirt hikes up.”
Yes, yes, tell me that again, only more slo…I MEAN I’m shocked, SHOCKED, at such filth in this catalog!
p. 449 – Star Wars Yoda 12-Inch Mouth Moving Plush:
Wallace Shawn in his most challenging role yet!
p. 449 – Star Wars Princess Leia 9-Inch Talking Plush:
have the moving-mouth feature of the above Yoda doll. Sorry to disappoint you, you pervy weirdos.
p. 468 – Geek Battle Trivia Game:
Not to be confused with the “Geek Battle Overhand Slap Fight Game.”
p. 473 – Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, because someone on some Doctor Who message board will start griping about how the Doctor passed “GO” incorrectly, and how they wouldn’t have done it that way in the old
days, before Russell Davies got his hands on it and ruined everything
, and it totally violates continuity since the Third Doctor once said he was prohibited from ever actually passing “GO” and why don’t they finally reveal that Mr. Monopoly is actually the Rani, what are they waiting for?
p. 473 – South Park Collector’s Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not…um, kill Kenny? Do they still kill Kenny? I have no idea, I haven’t seen this show in years
Marvel Previews p. 43 – Daredevil End of Days #1:
Matt Murdock’s the final secret? That his the editor was kidnapped?
Marvel Previews p. 49 – Dexter #1:
So therefore this is based on the novels, and not the TV show, which, by the way, have gone in fairly different directions. So either this will have no likeness rights for the TV show actors, which will annoy fans, or it will
have likenesses of actors but still be in the novels’ continuity, which will annoy fans, or it will be vague enough to be either in the TV show continuity or
the novel continuity, with character likenesses close enough to pass for the actors without requiring specific permissions (if they’re even required in the first place, depending on the contracts) but will still annoy fans, because when aren’t they annoyed, really.
…But I’ll still probably buy it.
Marvel Previews p. 67 – Wolverine Max #1:
AT LAST, Wolverine gets to use his swears, just like in the movies seen by every child under 12 who won’t be allowed to buy this comic.
So the other night I was just goofing around (i.e. “annoying all my followers”) on the Twitter, when I wrote this:
…which is fair enough, and Mermaniac
…and, yeah, of course
But it was Stephen who brought it all together with this, probably never coming soon from Warner Brothers and Legendary Pictures:
“Hey. Hey, uh, Arcane. What you’re doing. That’s not cool. And stuff.”
“AAAAH! Damn you, Holland! I am defeated by your smouldering sexiness!”
Er, yeah. Anyway, thanks to Stephen for sending this pic my way. You can see more of his work, and other fun goodies, over at his Tumblr.