Has it, finally, inevitably, come to this? Has it come to yet another installment of the End of Civilization? Yes, friends, I’m afraid it has, so bust out your copy of Diamond Previews, July 2012 edition, and follow along:
p. 86 – Justice League #0:
At long last, the return of Captain Marvel! That friendly squint, that cheerful grin…thank goodness for this return to a more innocent time!
p. 104 – Batwoman #0:
On one hand, it really seems like the height of obsession that Batwoman (or, yes, her dad) actually spent the time to make sure even the soles of her boots feature little bat shapes. On the other hand…it’s not as if “obsession” is anything new to anyone in the Bat-family.
Also, now I’m picturing Batman hunched over a grinder, smoothing down his Batarang and thinking “needs to be more bat-shaped, more bat-shaped.” Probably best to move on.
p. 108 – Catwoman #0:
Oh. My. God. Just look at this picture! It’s a disgrace! An embarrassment. I mean, come on…Catwoman’s nose doesn’t look like that! What was this artist thinking?
p. 148 – Before Watchmen The Comedian Statue:
I really do think the Comedian’s “’68 Comeback Special” is my favorite concert performance of all time.
p. 149 – DC Comics Super-Heroes Starfire Bust:
…I’m just going to assume you already know what joke I was going to go for here.
p. 149 – DC Comics Super-Heroes Superman Bust:
Yeah, that costume’s a bust, all right.
p. 152 – Ami-Comi Harley Quinn V.2 PVC Figure:
Well, sure, I guess…just don’t look too closely at her face.
OH GOD I SAID DON’T LOOK AAAAAAAH
p. 181 – The Picture of Dorian Gray:
So is this a story about how Dorian Gray keeps a pro-graded slab-sealed copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray comic book adaptation in a box in the closet, and it must remain sealed in the slab for Gray to maintain his youth? Or perhaps I’m misunderstanding something.
p. 239 – Spock On! T-Shirt:
At what point do these shirts cross the line from “one-shot parody” to “basically just a Star Trek shirt?”
p. 275-6 – Peter Cannon Thunderbolt #1:
“Before Ozymandias?” I beg to differ.
(Yes, yes, I know Peter Cannon was an inspiration for the Watchmen character. Just, you know, any excuse to link to that poem.)
p. 299 – Hit-Girl School Girl Statue:
Whew! Thank goodness, I was afraid this would be, you know, kind of weird.
p. 360 – Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine – Hammerhead:
“Oh, wow, a Flattop figure! I love Dick Tracy villains!”
“Um, that’s not Flattop.”
“It’s Flattop Junior? Even better! I’ll take it!”
“But that’s not…ah, hell, sure, enjoy your Flattop Junior figure. Thanks for shopping.”
p. 361 – Marvel Comics The Untold Story HC:
“We can never tell anyone of this. Never.” Beads of sweat were still visible on Stan’s brow.
Jack leaned the shovel against the side of the Buick. “Stan…someone’s going to notice. Someone’s gonna know. We gotta cover our tracks.”
Stan’s burst of anger was sudden and unexpected. He pressed in close to Jack, shouting. “What do you think we’ve been doing? You think I drove three hours out into the desert in the middle of the night for kicks?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, this won’t do us any good,” Steve interjected. “We have to keep our heads, or we risk losing everything.”
Stan turned away from Jack to look at Steve, obviously struggling to contain himself after his outburst. “Yeah…yeah, I’m sorry guys. I’m just….”
“I know,” said Jack, putting a hand on Stan’s shoulder.
Stan walked a short distance away from the other two men, the only sound that of his boots grinding into the sand. He stopped, pulled out and lit a cigarette. He inhaled deeply, and stared out into the evening sky, bright with stars.
“Damn you, Weisinger,” he whispered. “Damn you.”
p. 375-6 – The Quotable Star Trek Voyager Trading Cards:
“Assist me.” – Seven of Nine
“Can you hand me that?” – Tom Paris
“Hey guys.” – Harry Kim
“Hmm, the coffee’s a bit cold.” – Captain Janeway
“Aaaah-CHOO!” – Chakotay
p. 380 – Luke Cage & Power Man Yellow Previews Exclusive Shirt:
Oh, nothing, just the best thing in this month’s catalog. Even with the seemingly extraneous ampersand in the item’s name.
p. 381 – G.I. Joe “Silent But Deadly” Previews Exclusive Black T-Shirt:
“Snake Eyes. G.I. Joe’s deadliest soldier. Fast. Lethal. Unstoppable. Strikes like a type of fart.”
p. 390 – Amazing Spider-Man Gwen Stacy Costume:
This isn’t really a costume so much as just “clothes.”
p. 401 – Star Trek TOS Enterprise Mini-Vehicle:
Ladies and gentlemen…Captain Kirk’s toilet.
p. 431 – Star Wars Jaina Solo ArtFX Bishoujo Statue:
You’d better hope Han Solo doesn’t find out how you’ve been leering at his daughter, you space-pervs.
p. 455 – Amazing Spider-Man Movie Glasses:
Finally, cat’s-eye glasses have been updated for the 21st century.
p. 457 – The Big Bang Theory stuff:
Okay, so I’ve finally seen a few episodes of this show. At no time have I heard a single utterance of the term “bazinga.” I’m going to assume this has simply been an elaborate joke you TBBT fans have been playing on the rest of us. I wouldn’t put it past you, you nuts.
p. 475 – Monopoly Marvel Comics Collector’s Edition:
Do not pass GO, collect FOUR BILLION DOLLARS from Disney anyway! Hooray! Money money money money
p. 475 – Monopoly Sonic the Hedgehog Collectors Ed:
Do not pass GO, do not coll…whoa, Sonic’s passed GO already. Man, that little bastard is fast!