Civilization is still ending, and so am I! …Er, wait, let me rephrase that. …Ah, never mind, let’s just jump right in and see what the new edition of Diamond Previews (for the month of June 2012) has in store for us! Crack open your copy and follow along!
p. 67 – Game of Thrones Iron Throne Replica:
“You see, Little Billy, back in the olden times, before toothpicks were invented, hobbyists used to make models from old swords they just had strewn about the castle.”
p. 100 – Green Lantern Annual #1:
I hope I see one of those “bloody” Lantern insignias tattooed on someone’s arm twenty years later, like I did with the Superman bloody-S tattoo.
p. 116 – Superman Earth One Vol. 2 HC:
Well, here’s at least one point in Earth One‘s favor – Supes still has his red shorts.
p. 123 – Legends of the Dark Knight Alan Davis HC:
Includes Detective Comics #569 – 575…#575, of course, being the first chapter of the four-part “Year Two” storyline, with the other three parts, drawn by Todd McFarlane, not included. …Thanks, DC…I’ll price our backstock on those accordingly! (Please insert evil laugh here.)
p. 140 – V for Vendetta Book & Mask Set:
Why don’t they do these for more graphic novels? Like, box a Flash mask with the Trial of the Flash book? Or pack in a giant mouse head with the Maus graphic novel?
Or maybe DC could have converted V for Vendetta into 3D and put little red ‘n’ blue lenses in the V mask. That’d be awesome.
p. 159 – Danger Girl/G.I. Joe #2:
So is IDW just gonna team up all their licenses? Where’s my Popeye/Dick Tracy team-up, where Popeye just beats the daylights out of Flattop? Or Magic the Gathering Vs. Dungeons & Dragons, where Magic just suddenly comes out of nowhere and pounds D&D into dust? C’mon, you guys at IDW know you want to.
p. 233 – Cylon Raiders T-Shirt:
How ’bout “The Green Bay Frakkers?” You can have that for free, Antarctic.
p. 273 – DC Super Pets Hopping Hero TP:
“Sobek the evil crocodile is on the loose! Luckily, Hoppy the Marvel Bunny is close by.”
Ahem…I believe you mean “Hoppy the Shazam Bunny.”
p. 370 – Firefly A Celebration – Anniversary Edition HC:
Wait, so this is for the tenth anniversary of the show? It’s been off the air for ten years and people are still going on about trying to get it back? …I don’t feel so bad about my several petitions to get Doctor, Doctor back on the air, then, since that’s about as likely.
p. 382 – V for Vendetta Black Line Mask White T-Shirt:
For a second there, I thought that “Our Kind of Guy” text was actually part of the shirt, and not just ad copy. …That would probably make this a better shirt, actually.
p. 383 – Community “Inspector Spacetime” Light Blue T-Shirt:
I’ve never seen one second of Community, have no idea who’s in it or what it’s even about, and I’m already sick of this friggin’ Doctor Who parody. “Oh, hey, wait, is that a mildly-amusing one-off gag I hear? Quick, let’s run it into the ground as quickly and thoroughly as possible!”
p. 394 – Blackest Night costumes:
“Why, Little Billy, aren’t you precious? You’re dressed as…something I’ve never seen before, I think. Are you supposed to be the Devil?”
p. 394 – Superman Second Skin Costume Hero:
Just think, the New 52 version of Superman could’ve looked like this. If you’re disturbed by No-Panties Superman, try dealing with Once-ler-sleeved, no-faced, half-dressed-as-Clark Superman.
p. 396 – The Walking Dead Little Girl Zombie Adult Costume:
Ah, a new selection from the “This Is A Fetish for Someone” fashion line….
p. 403 – Santa’s Ship Minimate Vehicle:
“…So you see, Little Billy, Santa was cursed to wander the skies forever in his flying boat, and he and his crew are forced to make gifts that they must pass out in full every Christmas, or they will meet with an even more terrifying fate.”
“Mike, why is Little Billy crying?”
“Um…I don’t know! I was just telling him about Christmas!”
p. 403 – Marvel Minimates Venom Through the Ages Box Set:
“This is the worst Goth band I’ve ever seen. Let’s get out of here.”
p. 411 – Jumping Brain “DIY Version” 5-Inch Vinyl Figure:
Finally, I can make one of these for my D&D tabletop game.
p. 416 – The Walking Dead Plug-N-Play Game:
Now, I know why toy guns have to be colored like that, so no one playing “Let’s Shoot and Kill the Zombie, i.e. My Kid Sister” won’t get taken out by a SWAT team thinking Little Billy’s holding a real gun, but…man, just look at that thing.
But if they somehow made it into a Captain Power-type thing where you used to gun to shoot at zombies on the actual show, instead of just playing video games built into the gun, then you’d have something, regardless of gun-color.
p. 434 – Magneto Action Statue:
Now, has anyone made an actually-magnetic Magneto statue? It’d be artistic and functional: “Hey, do we have any paperclips?” “Yeah, I think there are a few on the Magneto statue.” “Oh, here they are…thanks!”
p. 437 – Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Station 1/3300-Scale Model Kit:
I was thinking “did someone actually have to determine this was exactly 1/3300 scale” and “what if they just sorta guesstimated…’oh, it’s, um, 1/2990 scale,’ who’s gonna check” and then I remembered “oh, right, it’s Star Trek.”
p. 440 – Marvel Comics Hawkeye Classic Avengers Fine Art Statue:
Okay, hold on to your shorts, it’s time to separate the nerds from the boys with the following joke:
“Man, just look at those powerful gloved hands!”
(EDIT 6/3/12: Reader Ed explains.)
p. 442 – Star Wars Boba Fett Return of the Jedi Ver. Artfx+ Statue:
Can I also rearrange his limbs into flailing positions to reenact his being taken out by a blind Han Solo and falling into the Sarlacc pit like a chump?
p. 450 – Peanuts Ultra Detail Figures:
There’s something about a three-dimensional representation of Charlie Brown that’s always disturbing. Of course, that may just be I looked at these old 3D sculpture ViewMaster reels of the Peanuts gang as a kid, which are absolutely terrifying and have colored my perceptions of such things for all time.
p. 456 – One Piece Arlong Figuarts Zero:
“AAAARGH! WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME ABOUT DRINKING COLLOIDAL SILVER?”
p. 470 – KISS Panda Plushies:
“Hi! Were you planning on sleeping tonight? …Good! We’ll see you there! Pleasant dreams!”