It’s like Christmas Day without bags full of ripped-up wrapping paper or any actual stuff in your possession…it’s the End of Civilization, where I poke through our distributor’s catalog and point out the best and the brightest of the items offered therein. Or at least the items I can make a smart-ass comment about. Bust out your copies of the December 2011 edition of Diamond Previews and follow along, why don’t you already:
p. 142 – Starcraft Premium Series 2 Collectible Figures:
“Moooom! This jacket’s way too big for me!”
“Oh, don’t worry, son…you’ll grow into it.”
p. 207 – Pigs #6:
…The same Previews that let this through last month:
p. 215 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:
Thank goodness they used a whole page to show us the figures weren’t ready to be shown. Well, it’s just one page out of the solicitations…no big deal.
p. 228 – Richie Rich Valentine’s Day Special 2012 One-Shot:
The inherent tragedy of Richie Rich: never knowing if he is truly loved for who he is, or simply loved for his money. EVERY VALENTINE’S DAY: wallowing in rampant consumerism and shallow meaningless relationships, showering others in gifts while ignoring the nagging doubts, and the gaping emptiness, in his heart.
p. 337 – Batman Bat Signal Kit:
If you light up this two-inch high Bat Signal replica, one of the Borrowers turns up in his homemade Batman outfit, who then fights the Indian in the Cupboard, who is inexplicably dressed as the Penguin. …Hey, I don’t make it up, I just report it.
p. 337 – DC Superhero Figurine Collection Magazine Special – Swamp Thing:
Oh, and it has to be one of the larger statuettes, making this one of the $38 specials, and not the regular $14 mag. You bastards.
p. 348 – Angry Birds Bad Piggies’ Egg Recipes HC:
Recipes presumably created by Piggies experimenting upon the eggs they eggnapped from the Angry Birds, which is the reason the Birds are so Angry in the first place. …Surely this is a Geneva Convention violation of some sort.
p. 358 – Superhero X-Ray T-shirts:
They should do a Plastic Man version of one of these shirts, just so we could see what the hell is going on in there. Or maybe Bouncing Boy.
p. 363 – Green Lantern “Classic Word” Snap Back Cap:
If only this were actually how the logo was mounted on the hat. And it could spin around like a propeller. With a whistling noise, like this: “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
p. 366 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:
Oh, say…a second full page devoted to not showing you the figures which apparently weren’t ready at press time. But hey, what’s two catalog pages between friends, right?
p. 373 – Hope Diamond Barbie Doll:
Sadly, the Hope Diamond Curse struck again, as Hope Diamond Barbie was attacked and killed by a pack of wild dogs while visiting Moscow.
p. 373 – Hot Wheels Video Racer Micro Camera Car:
“Hot Wheels Video Racer cars are the first 1:64 track-compatible cars with a fully functional camera encased in the body! Using the clips and straps provided, it can be also attached to bikes, helmets, skateboards – nearly anything that moves! [...] Video can be easily edited…and shared to show off your thrilling race footage with friends and family!”
“And now…presenting our remake of Fantastic Voyage, starring our Great Dane, Barkimus!”
p. 388 – Star Wars Kenner Walrus Man 12-Inch Action Figure:
This is unholy.
p. 394 – Star Wars General Veers Mini-Bust:
This is someone’s favorite Star Wars character. …That person’s time has come.
p. 406 – Cars 2 Mater & Speed McQueen Be@rbrick 2-Pack:
You wouldn’t think seeing the Cars characters in human form would be as upsetting as it is, but it is. Oh Lordy.
p. 406 – Star Trek Khan Noonien Singh Maxi Bust:
You’re darned tootin’ this is a Maxi Bust. Ricardo Montalban’s chestiest performance, immortalized in this most manly of statues.
Marvel Previews p. 75 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Hawkeye and Hulk Action Figures:
What is the mystery of…”Hawkeye” and “the Hulk?” What secrets are they hiding? Are they friends…or foes? Surely this third full page ad will whet your appetite for these two exciting new characters!