Sure, you may be offended by my building an End of Civilization post so close to New Comics Day, but it’s my right as an American, guaranteed in the Constitution, to put this post up whenever and wherever I want, and baby, you’re just gonna have to deal. Anyway, those of you who would like to sing along with my hymns of praise, please open up your copies of Diamond Previews, September 2010 edition, and join on in.
p. 59 – Milo Manara T-shirt:
“[Manara] has made a powerful name for himself producing comics that revolve around elegant, beautiful women.”
…Who are usually naked and having something awful happening to them, granted, but hey, they’re purty!
p. 95 – T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1:
Surely this will be the revival of a nearly-forgotten decades-old comics property that’ll catch on.
p. 129 – Blackest Night Orange Lantern 1:4 Scale Power Battery and Ring Prop Replica Set:
A collectible tchotchke based on an item that is, in the Lantern lore, representative of avarice…there’s a base level of irony in there, somewhere.
p. 131 – Brightest Day Series 2 Action Figures – Hawkman:
I didn’t think we’d ever reach a point in our cultural history where we had too many Hawkman action figures, but, well, here we are.
p. 140 – G.I. Joe #24:
“So, Mike, how can I get that rare Trevor Hutchison cover?”
“Well, first, you have to drink this.”
“Here, drink this.”
“What is it?”
“Never you mind. DRINK IT.”
“Okay, okay…now what?”
“Put this on.”
“Um…a dog collar? With a leash?”
“Do you want the comic or not?”
“WEAR THE LEASH.”
p. 303-4 – Tank Girl: Bad Wind Rising #1:
Oh, no, those aren’t visible areolae above Booga’s hands in that full page ad for Tank Girl in the Previews. They’re…um, poker chips that he’s holding for Tank Girl. For safekeeping. Against her breasts. Um, yeah.
p. 322 – The Monster Hunter Survival Guide #1: The Undead:
Tip #1: Wear as little clothing as possible.
p. 333 – Doonesbury and the Art of G.B. Trudeau:
Features several soft-focus shots, from many angles, of Trudeau’s photocopier.
(PLEASE NOTE: Haven’t read Doonesbury in years. No idea if the repeated photocopied panels joke is out of date. …Probably scanners and Adobe Photoshop nowadays, anyway.)
p. 345 – Deadman Symbol T-shirt:
“Hey, man, one of the Ds fell off your Daredevil shirt.”
p. 347 – Spider-Man: Swings Throw Blanket w/Sleeves:
Okay, sure, you can’t call ’em “Snuggies,” but surely you could have come up with something more clever than “throw blanket with sleeves.” Like “Robe of Shame,” or something.
p. 376 – Star Wars Pink Darth Vader Helmet:
“Uh, I don’t mean to be…well, disrespectful or anything, but, um….”
“GET TO THE POINT.”
“It’s just that…well, that is…why are you pink pleasedon’tforcechokeme.”
“MY UNIFORM CAME BACK THIS WAY FROM THE CLEANERS. I SHALL UNLEASH THE FULL POWER OF THIS BATTLE STATION UPON THEIR FIVE LOCATIONS IN THE TRI-COUNTY AREA. NOW DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF THIS AGAIN.”
“Yes, Lord Pin…VADER, I mean Vader oh god”
p. 376 – Star Wars Logo Bookends:
Finally, something to hold up all my William Shatner-penned (well, credited) Star Trek novels.
p. 394 – Watchmen Rorschach Bobble Head:
It’s been a while since we’ve had a good entry in the “Entirely Inappropriate Watchmen Merchandise” series, but this’ll do. This will do.
p. 395 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:
“Each mug features a vulgar line from the graphic novel….”
Ah, so each mug features a line from the graphic novel, then.
According to the solicitation, the mugs are only censored for the ad…the actual mugs feature the naughty words in all their unfettered glory. And as hilariously inappropriate as having a mug that reads “Okay, you [c-word]s, let’s see what you can do” would be, especially just, you know, sitting out there on your desk in your cubicle…for some reason, having an actual censored version of the “You are a ******* ******” mug would be even better. Make all those c********** wonder!