Progressive Ruin presents…the (slightly-delayed) End of Civilization.
DELAYED BY ILLNESS, FORGED IN FIRE…it’s the latest installment of the End of Civilization, my nearly five-year-long series of poking through each new issue of the Diamond Previews catalog and pointing out wonderful items you should order in enormous quantities, preferably though me. So whip out your copy of the December 2009 edition and follow along:
p. 61 – Blackest Night #7:
There are six full pages in the Previews book that essentially look just like that. Wonder how many trees could have been saved by putting all six solicitations on one page and saying “look, we’re not going to show you the covers, so just order up, fanboy.”
p. 130 – True Blood Busts:
So Employee Aaron couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the solicit for these busts, especially since it was used on the cover, and he pretty much insisted this make an appearance in this month’s installment of EoC. Those would be the actors’ faces Photoshopped onto mock-ups of the statues, it appears. It’s a bit disturbing-looking.
BEHOLD:
For some reason I’m now imagining these busts with solid cast bodies and soft to the touch fleshy faces. That’d be weird.
p. 188 – President Evil Yes We Cannibal T-shirt:
So at what point do you think President Obama regretted ever admitting he was a comic book fan?
p. 188 – How to Draw Vampires:
1. Draw some pretentious guy (or gal).
2. Add pointy teeth.
3. Sprinkle some glitter (Twilight only).
4. Hide drawings in my tattered notebook and wish for a dark and mysterious creature of the night to come into my home and whisk me way into a foreboding yet romantic realm of forbidden desires. “COME WITH US, MIKE…JOIN THE BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF BLOOD AND FANG.”
5. Er…disregard that.
p. 306 – Kryptonian at Heart T-shirt:
“Ma’am…I’m sorry, but I’m afraid the Superman ‘S’ shield is sticking directly into his aorta. We must operate immediately.”
p. 309 – Super Trooper Red T-shirt:
Ever notice how Stormtroopers have little frowny-faces? “WHO’S A SAD CLONE?”
Also, does the red color of the shirt represent the blood of the countless victims crushed beneath the cruel heel of the despotic Empire? Do all the Star Wars aliens even have red blood? I bet there’s a website somewhere that’ll tell me. I bet Jawa blood looks like what you get when you squish a bug…all yellow and green and gooey.
p. 318 – Barbie Ladies of the ’80s: Debbie Harry and Joan Jett Dolls:
I’m pretty sure Joan Jett and Debbie Harry would’ve kicked Barbie’s plastic, copyright-stamped ass way back when.
However, if they’re taking suggestions for future Ladies of the ’80s, might I recommend Wendy O. Williams?
p. 323 – Living Dead Dolls Freddy Krueger 2010 Remake & A Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Mez-Itz Figure:
That’s what I want from my mass-murderer/child-killer toys: more cute.
p. 345 – Kubrick Disney Characters:
“This…this really hurts, guys. No, seriously, stop laughing, I’m not joking. I think my neck is very badly compressed. This isn’t funny. I need someone to take me to a doctor right away. Oh God the pain”
p. 346 – Kubrick Be@rbrick Series 19 Mini-figures:
“Captain…I have tried to assimilate myself into their culture by disguising myself as one of them, but they still reject me. I believe it is the fact that I appear to have four ears which repels them.”
p. 347 – Star Trek USS Enterprise USB Webcam:
You know, aside from warp drive and the transporter, a USB webcam is probably more technologically advanced than anything represented on the original show.
p. 350 – Star Wars R2-D2 Bobble Head:
What’s wrong with just making that a plain ol’ Artoo statue? Why make any part of it bobble at all? R2-D2 WILL NOT BOBBLE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, HU-MANS.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure his whole body bobbles, not his head, since giving R2 a giant headdome out of proportion to the rest of his body (like most other Bobbles) would be just this side of traumatizing.
p. 350 – Pac-Man Bonus Fruit Energy Drink:
I’d like to see a whole line of video game energy drinks. The Donkey Kong Flaming Barrel Energy Drink. The Defender Mutated Lander Energy Drink. The K.C. Munchkin Energy Drink That’s Entirely Different from the Pac-Man Energy Drink. The Crazy Climber Condor “Eggs” (wink) Energy Drink. The Wizard of Wor Thorwor Energy Drink.
I might have to pass on the Custer’s Revenge Engorged Arrow Energy Drink, however.
p. 355 – The Twilight Saga New Moon The Board Game:
“Whoever moons the most over the dreamy pictures of the cast wins!”
p. 357 – Star Wars R2-D2 Is in Trouble Board Game:
Given that R2 is the most competent character in the Star Wars saga, what kind of trouble is he going to get into that anyone else is going to get him out of? I mean, Jar Jar? Anakin? Threepio? C’mon.
Well, okay, maybe Chewie.
Marvel p. 20 – Deadpool Merc with a Mouth #7 2nd Printing Variant:
Oh, Rob Liefeld, you’re the gift that keeps on giving.
Marvel p. 24 – Ultimate Comics X #1:
“…The all-new ULTIMATE X ongoing bi-monthly series from the superstar dream team of JEPH LOEB and ART ADAMS.”
B…bi-monthly? Ongoing?
“But he’s got high hopes
He’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie in the sky hopes….”
Marvel p. 85 – Iron Man 2 Marvel Select War Machine Action Figure:
They tried to hide it, but obviously the big spoiler for Iron Man 2 is that Jim Rhodes is killed by a giant wrench to the head. Sorry, kids.
