Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Say, friend! Are you feeling down in the dumps? Has the world beat you down? Are you on your last legs? Well, follow along with me as I go through the July 2009 edition of Diamond Previews and examine many items of interest, and we’ll see if we can’t finish you off once and for all! (And if that doesn’t work, there are over 50 previous installments of End of Civilization linked in the sidebar!)
p. 138 – Bomb Queen VI #1:
While personally I think the premise presented for this particular comic provides an amusing contrast to the Obama-exploitathon in other titles, I’m wondering what’s going to be the final straw…the one that finally gets a comment and/or a condemnation from the White House. You know, like “C’mon, guys, lay off, will ya? What’s next, a comic about the President’s do –“
p.211 – Puppy Power: Bo Obama:
“…Oh.”
p. 344 – Black Lantern t-shirts:
I picture these as being very worrying to the uninitiated. “Oh, look, Henry, that young man is wearing a shirt that just says ‘Death.’ Don’t make eye-contact…don’t make eye-contact!”
p. 347 – I Only Read Graphic Novels Black T-shirt:
Let the world at large know that you’re a comic fan of discerning taste, preferring your illustrated storytelling in larger doses, that you’re not going to be beholden to a monthly schedule enforced by the publishers-that-be.
Or, in short, that you’re still a dork. Hey, own your dorkiness, my friends.
p. 356 – Beverley Hills Cops Minimates Box Set:
This item will probably pull a larger profit than Mr. Murphy’s last film.
p. 361 – Indiana Jones Room Booby Trap:
“Use a latched and spring-loaded Mayan idol to shower intruders with realistic plastic bugs from atop your door, or encounter a [sic] idol which launches darts at intruders.”
Well, I suppose those are okay as traps go…if you’re some kind of wimp. Wake me when this company markets something that’ll let me do this:
p. 362 – [OFFERED AGAIN] The Spirit Movie 12-inch Deluxe Figure:
I suspect this figure is going to be OFFERED AGAIN in future catalogs for some time to come.
p. 364 – Star Wars The Force Trainer:
“As you concentrate, beta waves are generated. This information is translated in the headset into a digital signal and sent to the training tower, causing the training remote to rise and fall.”
Hopefully this won’t cause unrealistic expectations in any impressionable children:
“Little Billy…? What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to use my Force Powers to bring the TV remote control from the other side of the room to me.”
“Um, Little Billy…there’s no such thing as the Force.”
“B-but I mastered the Force Trainer…! Are you telling me it’s all a lie? THE TOY LIED TO ME!?”
…Okay, that’s a long way to go for not much of a joke. Here’s the alternate: “TOTALLY NOT A BONG.” There, it’s funnier because it’s shorter and it’s about bongs.
p. 370 – Alien 1/1-Scale Lifesize Bust:
It’s a thousand bucks, but I won’t lie…if I had more money than I knew what to do with, I’d totally buy one of these. Hell, I’d buy two and use them as armrests on my custom-made couch.
p. 371 – Battlestar Galactica Little Frakkin’ Toaster Cylon Maquette:
I never not replace, in my head, every usage of the term “frak” with the actual vulgarity it’s replacing whenever I hear or see it. “Yeah, here’s this little f[beep!]ing Cylon thing…whatever, man.”
p. 378 – Terminator 25th Anniversary Jacket:
I was going to say “oh, like anyone’s going to see you wearing this jacket and say ‘hey, that’s just like the jacket in the Terminator movie!'” — but then I realized, yeah, someone probably would. Some people are pretty scary.
p. 378 – Star Wars Darth Maul 1/6-Scale Holographic Bust:
Perhaps it’s just a bad photo, or that it’s just hard to photograph, or that it looks better when the internal light is turned on, but as it is now, it looks like there’s been an accident in the molding process.
p. 394 – Watchmen Be@rbricks 400/100 Percent Set:
So you get a little version and a version four times the size, but I think, regardless of size, they are all equally able to cause Alan Moore a conniption. (I do like the blood-splat over where the bear’s eye would be.)
p. 400 – Star Trek Pon Farr Perfume for Women:
“Sharp and aggressive, exotic yet simple, Pon Farr will drive him crazy with blood lust.”
This is just slightly worrying. Anyway, I don’t really have any more jokes about Star Trek perfumes (after the last batch)…mostly I’m just amazed this even exists.
p. 403 – Star Wars Back Buddies: Darth Vader:
And now…the Saddest Darth Vader of Them All:
“Won’t somebody [HAAAH-PURRRR] wuuuuuv me?”
