Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
It’s again time to peek through the new Diamond Previews catalog and look for unique items of wonderment and magic…follow along in the June 2009 edition, if you’d like. And, as always, previous entries are linked in the sidebar.
p. 124-5 – Blammoids:
What th–?
No, seriously, what the hell are these things?
AAAAAAAAAAH
p. 130 – Supergirl Mini Neon Sign:
Oh, sure, it looks just like Superman’s regular emblem, only this one’s pink, the color most associated with his cousin Superg…hmm? What’s that? Oh. Okay, lemme start again. It may look just like Superman’s regular emblem, but this one is colored pink because Supergirl is a big ol’ girl and that’s the color girls get. So there.
p. 191 – Archie #600:
So you see, this story where Archie proposes to Veronica takes place in the near future, post-college, an era that the regular running-in-place Archie books will never, ever reach. If this does get any kind of real world media coverage, the kind that brings out the magpies, I am going to be explaining repeatedly why this doesn’t mean Archie is actually married (assuming a marriage does happen in this story) from here on out.
p. 328 – Wolverine “Mutant Love” Blue T-shirt / Spider-Man “Love” White T-shirt:
So the plain vanilla “Love” shirt is for you staid, boring folks…but if you’re ever looking for a little something…weirder, a little kinkier…well, brother, have we got the “Mutant Love” shirt for you.
Okay, I have no idea what I’m even going on about.
p. 340 – Barbie Harley Davidson Doll:
There now exists official Barbie-sized “pink faux leather chaps.” No longer do I have to make my own!
p. 340 – Barbie Halloween Treat Doll:
Combine this with a complete set of Harry Potter books for an all-purpose witchery-themed gift package. Satan will be pleased!
p. 346 – Living Dead Dolls Pencil Topper:
In case you were concerned that your kid wasn’t presenting enough reasons to worry to school officials, these should probably do the trick.
p. 356 – Friday the 13th Jason Voorhees Ring:
I know people for whom this would be a perfectly acceptable wedding ring.
p. 358 – Bi-Beast Mini-Bust:
Only noted here because at work I kept referring to this as the “Bi-Beast Bi-Bust,” which I thought was funny, anyway.
p. 364 – Star Wars Oola Mini-Bust:
Terrible, terrible things are going to be happening to these busts once they get into the fans’ hands. Unspeakable things. Wet things.
p. 382 – Star Wars Slave Leia Secret Wishes Costume:
Seems to me that most people’s “secret wishes” regarding this costume really aren’t all that secret. Including, I think, the secret wishes of the person wearing the costume. (“My eyes are up here, fanboy.”)
p. 382 – Star Wars Jabba the Hutt Supreme Edition Costume:
Comes with “a battery-operated fan to keep you cool,” according to the solicitation text. And believe you me, that’s the only way you’re going to be cool if you’re wearing this costume.
p. 385 – Resident Evil Outbreak Mints:
“…Filled with .6 ounces of mints that will keep zombie breath at bay.”
I don’t even know what to say to that.
Marvel Previews p. 18 – Punisher Noir #1:
If it’s one thing the Punisher franchise needed, it’s to be made darker and grittier.
Marvel Previes p. 24 – Amazing Spider-Man #602:
In this issue, Mary Jane has been replaced with a giant plastic doll (as seen above). Will Peter notice?
Marvel Previews p. 83 – Marvel Masterworks Deathlok Vol. 1 HC:
Now, the easy joke at this point is “well, I guess Marvel has run out of other titles to give the Masterworks treatment.” I don’t want to do that, but…I don’t know…Deathlok? As a Masterworks? Really?
p.113 – Marvel Bromance TPB :
“Marvel’s greatest buddies take the spotlight in this one-of-a-kind collection, and it’s male bonding like you’ve never seen – as Cable and Deadpool swap stories, Wonder Man and the Beast share a plane ride….”
I believe it was pal Dorian who observed that once Marvel got their hands on this particular term “bromance,” that means it’s likely near the end of its life cycle. We can only hope.
