Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
WHAT MANNER OF SORCERY IS THIS? Another End of Civilization, by Crom! Flip open your Diamond Previews November 2008 edition, you mangy curs, and follow along or else you’ll taste my blade! Previous installments in the sidebar, if you’re brave enough to make the journey!
p. 55 – Bettie Page Heat Sensitive Mug:
As per the description…as the mug heats up, so does Bettie’s top fade away.
Has Dark Horse put out replicas of those old “Kiss Me in The Dark, Baby” glow in the dark ties yet? Seems to be up sorta the same alley.
p. 130 – Batman CosBaby Mini-Figures:
So this Joker is almost completely inappropriately cute:
…but dig this cute Batman. Batman is totally Bat-worried!
There’s a “mystery figure” (shown only in silhouette), but if it’s not Cute Superdeformed Alfred, I don’t want to know.
p. 138 – American Jesus Vol. 1 Chosen TP:
First thought was “oh, man, ‘volume 1’ — they’re doing more.” Second was, upon reading a description of the “bizarre plot twists” therein later in Previews, remembering when the first issue of this series originally arrived at the shop, and pal Dorian flipping through it, and (accurately, as it turned out) predicting the series’ “twist” ending.
p. 148 – Wonderlost TP:
For just the briefest of moments, I thought this was an ad for a new Fast Times at Ridgemont High comic. No offense to Wonderlost, but I was totally disappointed. So I must put the call out to pal Ian, the only editor in this business hopelessly under my hypnotic thrall, and bid him…OBTAIN THE FAST TIMES LICENSE. DO IT NOW. THIS I COMMAND.
p. 372 – Star Wars Galaxy Series 4 Trading Cards:
Why Mike is a bad person, reason #whatever: there’s a promo card inserted into this issue of Previews with the image just below, and when I saw it –
…I laughed and laughed and laughed, for no real good reason I can explain. Like, employees looking at me and wondering “what the hell?” kind of laughter. A reaction to retrofitting Episode III schmaltz into the original trilogy? Hard to say. Maybe I’m just losing my mind.
p. 377 – Jigsaw “Get On My Level” T-shirt:
This smacks just a little of “trying too hard.” Also, I was going to say “why a Jigsaw shirt?” but he’s the villain in the new might-as-well-be-direct-to-video Punisher sequel.
p. 390 – Barbie “Went with The Wind” Carol Burnett Doll:
No pic of the doll is ready, so there’s a still from the show instead. But that doesn’t matter, since a Barbie based on a decades-old comedy skit is exactly what little girls want, and I’m sure it’ll sell itself.
(So, let’s see how many different fan bases I’ve just annoyed….)
p. 415 – Mangog Mini-Bust:
I always think “wow, surely Marvel can’t scrape the bottom of the barrel any further with their choices for busts,” and I’m always wrong. I never thought, in my lifetime, I’d be typing the words “Mangog Mini-Bust.”
Just say it to yourself, repeatedly, quietly, during the course of your day.
p. 415 – Marvel Zombies Wolverine Bust:
I “get” the comic. It’s a dark-humored joke…it’s probably gone on a bit too long, but I can see the appeal. The Marvel Zombie merchandise, however, having removed the characters from their original context…just seems a little…peculiar to me. Like “here’s my favorite Marvel hero, miserable and suffering and, essentially, dead!”
p. 422 – Star Wars AT-AT Driver Mini-Bust:
I love this sculpt. It’s like he’s just casually posing for photos to send the folks back home in his Life Day cards. “Hi Mom! I made it through AT-AT Driving School!”
p. 439 – Captain America Winter Soldier Fine Art Statue:
There’s only one thing you need to offer with each product to guarantee sales, and that thing is:
p. 441 – Death Note Plushes:
This must be the Previews for inappropriately cute things. “Hi! I’m a mass murderer, and I’m holding an apple for my Death God friend! Tee hee!”
p. 480 – Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition for Dummies:
Well, sure…who else would play 4th edition?
YES IT’S A CHEAP SHOT LET ME HAVE MY FUN
Marvel p. 57 – Sub-Mariner The Depths #4:
And now, my joke for old Saturday Night Live fans:
“You look like you need a massage!”
p. 58 – Thor #600:
And we wrap up this time pointing out that Marvel abandoned the “renumbering from #1” sales boost gimmick in favor of the “large ‘milestone’ issue number” sales boost…again.
Which reminds me…Amazing Spider-Man had an annual out this week, numbered “1,” while also having the original numbering, “35,” printed on the cover alongside the “1.” First, the regular Amazing Spider-Man title doesn’t have this double numbering scheme any more, so why still do it with the annual? And secondly…they’re already putting out three ASMs a month, and Marvel ain’t shy about upping the page count and the price on any of their regular titles at any given time. Not sure why an annual was entirely necessary, but I’m sure folks have their reasons.
Sorry, that’s a decidedly non-silly way to wrap up the End of Civilization. Let’s look at the AT-AT driver again:
I’m pretty sure this is the same pose I had in most of my elementary school pictures. But without the armor. Well, not that armor.
