Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
If a new Previews is out, then that means it’s time for another…End of Civilization. It ain’t ended yet, but I’ll help you keep tabs on the end’s progress until it does. Come along with me as I mildly josh, damn with faint praise, and/or give backhanded compliments to several items from the September 2008 edition of Previews. (Older installments, as always, can be tracked down in the sidebar.)
p. 200 – The 2008 Presidential Candidates The Comic Books:
Another publisher tackles John and Barack prior to the election…though being solicited in the September order form is cutting it awfully close for getting these out before that day in November. (For example…how many Halloween comics have shipped the first week of November? A few too many, frankly.)
Sorry, I don’t really have a joke here…I used my one good joke about this type of comic last time, so just go reread that one.
p. 260 – Geroge R.R. Martin’s Wild Cards The Hard Call HC:
Oh, hey, a hardcover collection of that Wild Cards mini. Since I’m a longtime Wild Cards fan, and thus have already bought this comic book series, there’s no reason for me to buy….
“This collection of the first Wild Cards mini-series includes an introduction by series creator George R.R. Martin […] plus an original Wild Cards short story by Melinda Snodgrass.”
…Oh, you bastards.
p. 285 – Stan’s Soap Box The Collection TP:
Good Lord. Stan’s columns from Marvel Comics, in concentrated form? Is this safe to handle? Does it come with rubber gloves and tongs? Being exposed to that much Stan Lee in one place requires special precautions. FOR ADVANCED FANS ONLY.
p. 291 – Star Trek TNG The Last Generation #1 incentive cover:
Well, if we can’t have any more Star Trek/X-Men, then we can at least have a Trekker tribute to this cover. Uhura, noooooo!
p. 354 – Girls and Corpses 2009 Wall Calendar:
I know this magazine is tongue-in-cheek, but…you may want to think it over a bit before you put this calendar on the wall of your cubicle. You may be answering some interesting questions as a result.
p. 369 – FARTS A Spotter’s Guide:
Seems to me if you can actually spot a fart, then, er, we’re not exactly talking about a “fart” anymore, are we? Also, comes with an attached sound machine that reproduces types of fart sounds. This is what Thomas Edison had in mind.
p. 384 – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Trading Cards & Album:
“Shipping Fall 2008!” says the full-page ad. “Not so fast, there” says Warner Brothers.
p. 397 – Superman Splatter Symbol T-Shirt:
The ad reads “the Man of Steel meets Jackson Pollock,” but c’mon, the first thing you’re gonna think is “blood” when you see that. And nothing matches the image of Superman than being splattered with the blood of his victims. It’s certainly harsher than this.
p. 406 – A Christmas Story The Kids Action Figures Boxed Set:
Oh, man, that poor Flick never catches a break.
p. 412 – Star Trek Retro Bridge Playset:
I had the original version of this when I was a kid. I need someone out there to keep me from ordering this newly-manufactured rerelease. (Though that $60 price tag is enough to slow me up a bit.)
But still, it was way cool, man. It came with cardboard viewscreen images, a Captain’s chair, and stools. Stools, man! There was also this little room off to the side that, I guess, was supposed to be a Jeffries tube, but I always figured it was the bathroom. Yeah, I know, that was weird. EDIT: The little room isn’t the transporter/spinner thing…there’s a small “door” right next to the transporter (you can see it sort of pushed inward slightly in the picture above…it has a yellow stripe down the right side). It opened up into a triangular room that used the space in that section of the playset not occupied by the transporter mechanism.
Read more about the original playset here.
p. 418 – Ghostbusters Slimer Action Figure:
Speaking of bathrooms…looks like Slimer has a little ghost-incontinence there.
p. 429 – Supersized Xtreme Dform Statues:
So, what’s so “dformed” about the Rambo figure?
Also, don’t use the word “Xtreme,” ever, for anything.
p. 434 – Star Wars Classics Snowtrooper Bust:
Always seemed to me the poor Snowtroopers never got their due. They had cool costumes an’ all, but were always overlooked in favor of their more common comrades in arms. (Er, not that this bust has arms.)
I even took a picture of a Snowtrooper at a convention. Here, check it out.
Just look at those sad little eyes on that Snowtrooper mask. “Take me home…wuv me” he’s saying.
p. 444 – Daredevil Movie Fine Art Bust:
A Daredevil movie bust? Now?
“A perfect facial resemblance to a-lister Ben Affleck is apparent in this 9″ tall fine art bust….”
How many years ago was this solicitation text written?
p. 446 – Witchblade Anime ArtFX Statues – Sexy Masane:
I know this actually popped out…er, up earlier in Previews, but that would have put it at the very top of this post, and it’s bad enough the pic’s even right here.
I don’t even have a joke. Just…the hell, man?
p. 452 – Shunya Yamashita Character Series Nasuka PVC Statue:
The solicitation text for this item uses the following words and/or phrases:
“Dressed”
“Steampunk”
“Provocative, yet innocent”
“Stunning”
“Wraps herself around her sword”
Words/phrases not used in the solicitation text:
“Panties”
“You can see her panties”
“Did we mention her panties?”
p. 460 – Naruto Pakkun Plush Bag:
“Say, I’m looking for a snazzy new handbag. Watcha got?”
“Well, I have this bag that looks like a decapitated dog’s head.”
“Does the dog look sad about being decapitated?”
“Well, certainly.”
“You, sir, have a sale.”
p. 509 – Batman The Movie Special Edition:
Pal Dorian had told me about this redesigned packaging for the 1966 Batman movie starring Adam West, when it started popping up, oh, around the time the new Dark Knight showed up in theatres. This new design is, perhaps, not exactly evocative of the pure joy that waits within.
Here’s what my copy of the movie looks like:
That new release of this movie is already showing up in $5 bins. Good time to buy it if you don’t have it already.
Marvel Previews p. 83 – Wolverine and Power Pack #1:
Well, that looks okay, but it ain’t a patch on this previous meeting between these characters:
So, so very inappropriate. Yet always funny!
