Hey, as long as you’re not sick of ‘em, I’ll keep doing ‘em! It’s time once again to plow through the new Diamond Previews catalog and see what crimes against God and nature exist within…whip out your copy of the August 2008 volume and follow along, if you’ve got the guts. (Previous installments are, as always, linked in the sidebar.)
p. 121 – Watchmen Movie Rorschach Grappling Gun and Mask Prop Replica Set:
DC Direct’s Watchmen merch-a-gasm continues, with this troubling set. Now, the gun is “permanently attached to a display base,” to keep people from, I don’t know, waving it around at the frozen yogurt shop or something. But the mask…the mask is removable and, presumably, wearable, and, hopefully, not leading to any news stories similar to this one.
p. 201 – Archie Americana Volume 9 The Best of the ’90s TP:
They had enough to fill a book? Well, maybe it has those last few stories by Dan DeCarlo before he got the shaft and the boot.
p. 250 – Zen Intergalactic Ninja #0 99c Special:
“Zen returns completely re-imagined by superstar writer Joe Casey!” exclaims the ad copy, and re-imagined he certainly is, as the last time I checked, Zen was given a nose and a mouth! Surely Mr. Casey didn’t strip our favorite space-ninja of his facial orifices?
p. 303 – Presidential Material Barack Obama & John McCain:
I wonder if some other company will publish a Presidential Material: Ralph Nader comic to steal sales away from these titles?
(Hate mail in 3…2…)
p. p388 – Bat-Manga! The Secret History of Batman in Japan:
As someone who’s seen some vintage Japanese Batman stuff, usually courtesy my currently-dormant pal JP…I am reasonably certain this book will be filled with some weird-ass crap. You think you know bizarre Batman? Gird your loins, chum.
p. 423 – Doctor Doom Doomie t-shirt:
Just having a hard time picturing someone refer to Doom as “Doomie.” You know, to his face. Well, aside from the Thing…and maybe Spider-Man.
Yes, I know none of these people are real.
p. 426 – I’ve Never Had… Double-Sided Black T-Shirts:
Shirts with suggestive fronts, and drink recipes on the back. I designed my own shirt front, but may have missed the point slightly:
p. 426 – Star Wars Slippers:
Perhaps not as bizarre as these, but still…AAAAAAH! It’d be like having little green Mel Tormé heads on your tootsies.
p. 437 – Barbie Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds Doll:
I’m not sure what I can add to that picture. It’s Barbie…with black birds swarming her, threatening to peck out her perfect eyes and rip out her hair for their nests. This is both hysterical and absolutely terrifying and will never, ever know the touch of a child.
p. 438 – Godzilla Godzooky Plush:
Okay, for all you people who gave me grief over identifying a character as Godzooky who wasn’t Godzooky in the original version of this post: here you go. I now know the difference between the two characters. I am enlightened.
p. 442 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer Angel 1/1 Scale Puppet Replica:
Oh for God’s sake, it’s yet another permutation of the Angel Puppet, only this time “life”-sized and with a removable nose and working mouth and poseable arms and I have no idea if the previous puppets had any of these features but, geez, let’s give it a rest already.
If a “life”-sized Spike Puppet follows, I totally quit.
p. 464 – Jean Grey Black Queen Statue:
“What’s…um, what’s with the statue of the dominatrix on your mantel?”
“That’s not a dominatrix…that’s Jean Grey!”
“Yeah, you know, from the X-Men!”
“I don’t remember her like that from the movie.”
“Well, no, this was from the comics. See, she was brainwashed into joining the Hellfire Club…”
“The ‘Hellfire Club.’”
“Yeah, they’re like a group of villains, and they sorta made her join.”
“So the Hell Club made Jean Grey evil and she turned into a dominatrix.”
“Hellfire Club, and no, she’s not a domi…look, here are the comics. Just read these and it’ll explain everything.”
“Uh, who’s the dominatrix in the white outfit?”
“That’s Emma Frost…she’s from the Hellfire Club.”
“So she’s another evil woman in, what, lingerie?”
“I’m learning an awful lot about you, Bob.”
“Me? I didn’t write these comics!”
p. 466 – Adam West busts:
Normally I’d make fun of statues and busts based on a television superhero’s alter ego’s likeness rather than the superhero him/herself…but, c’mon, it’s freakin’ ADAM WEST. He’s practically a superhero just on his own.
I like that you get your choice of jackets. Blue or checkered, sir?
p.470 – Rambo 1/6 Scale Figure:
I’m not sure I’m badass enough to own a likeness of Stallone that’s 1/6th as big as he is. I’d be afraid to have it in the house.
p. 490 – SMC-Ikki Tousen Kan-U Unchou PVC Figure:
Yet another in a long line of “CROTCH ATTACK – GO!” plastic, easily washable Japanese statues, which I normally wouldn’t bring up yet again. But, really, the more you look at that, the more you gotta wonder: “What kind of defense and/or attack posture is that, exactly?” Unless, you know, she’s distracting you while her partner clocks you over the head from behind.
p. 503 – Barack Obama Talking Bobblehead:
I assure you, this following joke is strictly nonpartisan. I’d use a McCain or Nader or Sharpton or McKinley or whoever bobblehead as a springboard for the same gag.
Disclaimer aside, bad joke COMING THRU:
“A Talking Bobblehead toy of a politician? What’s the difference from the real thing? AMIRIGHT?“
Well, that was a lot of set-up for nothing. Sorry about that.
p. 503 – The Exorcist Regan Head Knocker:
“…Complete with bobble head and bobble bed action.”
I’m pretty sure Regan’s head did more than just bobble in this movie. And I never want to see the phrase “bobble bed” ever again.
But it could have been worse. There could have been a bobble toy based around that scene with the crucif…oh, I’m not even going to finish that thought.
p. 507 – Smallville Kara’s Kryptonian Bracelet:
Let’s flash-forward to a Previews catalog a few years from now:
“These Wonder Woman Magical Bracelet replicas are directly modeled on the props from the new hit Hollywood movie, and not at all those old Smallville bracelets with the S-logo buffed out and a Wonder Woman logo etched in!”
p. 507 – Smallville Veritas Key:
“Commemorate with this key prop replica that whole ‘Veritas’ thing, one of the most shoehorned-in plot developments in Smallville‘s broadcasting history. And given this is Smallville we’re talking about, that’s sayin’ something.”
p. 511 – The Nightmare Before Christmas Oogie Boogie Head Plush:
I wonder if once a year they dip into the unsold stock of Harry Potter Sorting Hat plushes, dye the material and make some other minor cosmetic changes, and vee-ola, Oogie Boogie.
Well, no, I suppose not.
p. 517 – Star Trek The Original Series 11-inch Nutcrackers:
Hey, Lena and JK! Does this count as another medium William Shatner has conquered? I dare say…yes, yes it is.
Also, I think we can assume Kirk has cracked some nuts in his day. That smarmy Chekov bastard needed a good nutcrackin’, quite frankly.
p. 517 – Star Wars Fabric Maches:
I was going to say something about “undermining the integrity of the characters,” but I don’t think there’s anything the merchandise can do that Episodes I-III hadn’t already.
p. 526 – Clue Harry Potter Edition:
“Was it Draco Malfoy with a Sleeping Draught in the Owlery?”
I’d normally prefer to not end on something with solicitation text that makes me want to punch somebody, but, alas, I must go where Previews takes me.