Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
One of these days, I’m going to wise up and stop doing these…you know, spend my time instead “going out” and “meeting friends” and “socializing” and doing other things that I’ve read about in books. But not today! Pull out your copy of Diamond Previews, May 2008 edition, and follow along! Invite your friends over, make a party out of it! Er…you do have friends, don’t you?
You do?
Lucky.
p. 60 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer “Conversations with Dead People” Board:
Comes with this disclaimer:
Not stated: entertainment will be for your friends, when they see you buying into this ouija board crap.
p. 138 – JLA Trophy Room Bat-Cuffs Prop Replica:
These do lock, so don’t lose your special “bat-shaped key.” Otherwise, there’ll be some red faces at the locksmith’s after you or your significant other get trapped in these after a frolicking session of “Batman Catches Catwoman Mishandling the Jewels.”
p. 239 – Bongo Comics:
Prepare yourself for this nightmare fuel:
You’ll be seeing that face again…in your unquiet dreams.
p. 247 – Picture This SC:
Pictures of the colorist/letterer of Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose, as taken by the writer/artist of Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose. Includes pictures of the Ms. G as Tarot. Note it doesn’t say “dressed as” Tarot. (Further Not Safe for Work reading, if you need clarification.)
p. 297 – Michael Golden Heroes & Villains Sketchbook HC:
I wonder if it’ll include this piece which recently wasn’t sold on the eBay. (Link via Neilalien.)
p. 414 – Obsessed with Star Wars:
At $29.95, it seems pretty steep for a trivia book, but:
“…This comprehensive book features an innovative, computerized module embedded on the cover which allows readers to keep score electronically.”
Oh, well, okay then.
p. 451 – Marvel Legends Mighty Muggs Figures:
There’s a certain level of “cuteness” that particular Marvel characters must not achieve, lest some “cute event horizon” is passed and the world endangered.
That being said, BEHOLD CUTE GHOST RIDER:
p. 458 – Desperately Seeking Susan Minimates 2-Pack:
Looks even more lifelike than the actual Madonna.
p. 468 – Star Trek Ultimate 1/4-Scale Captain Kirk Figure:
C’mon, we’re one fourth of the way there. Just go the whole hog, man…LIFE SIZE KIRK FIGURE. It’s gonna happen, sooner or later.
p. 470 – Star Trek TOS Science Tricorder:
Lights up, and features sound effects from the show. When I was a kid, I had one of these…it only sorta looked like the tricorder from the show, but it was also a functioning tape recorder, and therefore a heck of a lot more useful than this newer “prop replica.” Though…hmmm, maybe you can replace that monitor with a video iPod, which would also give you improved sound playback…maybe that can be a summer project for some of you more industrious kids out there. (And if you make it steampunk, it’ll get you on Boing Boing!)
p. 475 – Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter Doll:
I am having a very hard time reconciling that face with the Mad Hatter we’re all familiar with from Disney and the Tenniel drawings. Gaze into the face of madness:
He’ll be visiting your dreams, along with “Grampa Rosie” Simpson from up there in the Bongo Comics listing.
At least there can’t be anything more terrifying than this on the next page….
p. 476 – Alice in Wonderland Humpty Dumpty Doll:
AAAAAAAAAAUGH!
p. 484 – Luke Cage Statues:
So there’s the Classic Luke Cage on the left, there, and the Cage statue designed specifically for Brian Michael Bendis to buy on the right. That was nice of them.
p. 486 – Lord of the Rings Balrog Wall Mount:
Well, apparently enough people wanted a Balrog wall mount, but didn’t want to spring for the larger one, which was approximately one whole city block in width. This one’s 12 inches tall, 12 inches wide, 8 inches deep, and there’s no measuring how deeply upsetting this thing is.
p. 518 – Lost Kubricks:
These are weirding me out, for no particular reason I can articulate. However, I do like that Locke comes with a big honkin’ knife:
Not shown: his “Causing the death of everyone around him, plus causing the occasional explosion” action feature.
p. 518 – Lost Jack Kubrick and Bearbrick Set:
The bear threw me off for a second…and yes, that’s the Lost logo on his tummy. For just the briefest moment, I actually tried to remember if there was an episode of Lost where Jack was being followed around by a giant bear that only he could see, like Harvey.
p. 522 – Prism Ark Priecia 1/8 Scale PVC Figure:
“Precia is thought to be the princess of Wind Land. She is enrolled in the knight school where she is widely known for her expert swordmanship as well as her beauty.”
She’s also widely known for almost wearing panties. She’s from an “erotic video game,” in case you were wondering.
The hair’s neat, though.
p. 532 – Halo 3 Belt Buckles:
“Featuring Shotgun Ammunition or M6B AA Ammunition….”
Please, for the love of God, don’t wear these to school or to an airport.
p. 534 – Chuck Norris Magnet Set:
Keeping up the Chuck Norris Facts Meme Deathwatch, as the Facts are slapped onto yet another product.
The solicitation text attempts another “Fact” — to wit:
“…Chuck Norris can take two comic masters of magnetism, Magneto and Cosmic Boy in a fight. Because he’s Chuck Norris.”
WHAT.
p. 535 – Smallville Dar-Ur [sic] Kryptonian Beacon:
It’s “Dax-Ur,” actually, but it doesn’t change the fact this is still a big ol’ hunk of, presumably, metal that’s of no use whatsoever. And apparently they’re still trying to unload the Kryptonian Key, featured in a previous End of Civilization:
To repeat my previous observation, at $60 and $40 respectively, these are some expensive coasters.
p. 537 – Mr. Clock Radio:
“…The Mr. Clock Radio tells fortunes, speaks the time, and reacts to light and motion.”
Also will absolutely terrify you. Not quite “uncanny valley” territory, since it doesn’t look like an actual human, but darned if it’s not close enough.
p. 555 – Yetisburg Titanic Battles in World History Volume 1 Card Game:
“On the bloody fields of Pennsylvania in 1863, two great armies collided to decide the fate of a nation. At the forefront of the battle stood the mighty Yetis, white-furred giants imported from the wilds of Canada to shred the opposing front lines.”
Say it with me:
“YETISBURG.”
I can’t even make fun of this. It’s…it’s too beautiful.
