Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.
BEHOLD! The End of Civilization cometh yet again, and its prophet is Diamond Previews, the October 2007 edition. Yea, you will bring forth your copy and follow along, forthwith and forsooth and all that. (Previous installments in the sidebar to the right.)
p. 185 – Spider-Man 3 Unpainted Spider-Man Bust:
“Sapstein, get in here!”
“Yes sir?”
“Our profit margins on these funnybook busts is slipping…we need to do something to increase our take on these things.”
“Well, sir, maybe we can raise prices….”
“Nothing doing, Sapstein…these things are hard enough to sell as it is, unless we sex ’em up, and then they sell like gangbusters.”
“Let me think, then, sir…wait! I’ve got it! We don’t paint them! We save costs on paint, and we can sell it as…um, let’s see…an ‘Unpainted Limited Edition Production Bust!'”
“Sapstein, you’re a genius! Give yourself a raise!”
p. 185 – Kotobukiya of Japan Presents Brown Wolverine Statue:
Wolverine proves once again that he’s way too tough on couches.
p. 187 – Premiere Collection Formalwear Sue Storm Statue:
No, honest, it’s Sue Storm of the Fantastic Four, not some generic blonde woman in a fancy dress that, you know, really could be anybody, since this doesn’t look anything like any standard version of Sue Storm that anyone would immediately recognize, “4” base or no “4” base, and maybe if they’d made the sculpt’s face look like, say, the Jack Kirby version of Sue, maybe some of the fanboys would have picked up on it, or it could have been a statue of the Jessica Alba version of Sue from the FF movies, in which case you’d just have a Jessica Alba statue and, likely, higher sales, and now I’m ending my sentence.
p. 191 – Spider-Man 3 Pumpkin Bomb Prop Replica:
Add this to your list of “Things Not to Bring with You When Traveling by Air.”
p. 387 – The Truth About Chuck Norris MMPB:
This will look good on the shelf next to my copies of The Dancing Baby Art Book: One Frame Per Page, Mr. T Ate My Balls: The Complete Saga, and OVERKILL: Flying Spaghetti Monster, Talking Like A Pirate, and Other Once-Fun Internet Fads.
p. 410 – Superman/Doomsday II T-shirt:
“Mommy? Why is the monster on that man’s shirt trying to poop?”
“I don’t know, honey…stand closer to Mommy, okay?”
p. 413 – Superman “Owned” Camo T-shirt:
This is what happens when you leave your shirt designs up to the Random Faddish Elements T-Shirt Amalgamatron 3000. Here, let’s give the Amalgamatron another spin…hey, it’s a Zombie Big Dog flipping the bird to Osama Bin Laden! Let’s try another…it’s a tie-dyed shirt featuring Family Guy‘s Stewie saying that He’s with Stupid!
p. 422 – Harry Potter Die-Cast Collector’s Edition Sets:
“Packaged in a hinged flip lid box that resembles Harry’s school trunk, the vehicles are made to an authentic 1:43 scale in First Shot, resin, and finished die-cast form.”
Okay, they’re limited, they’re in a fancy box, but I look at the prices and all I can think is “sweet holy Baba O’Riley, over a hundred bucks for some Hot Wheels cars?”
p. 442 – Witchblade “Bikini Armor” Statue:
Okay, let’s take a good look at Witchblade’s armor:
Bikini area? Impenetrable.
Nipples? Tweak-free.
Right hand? Covered.
Left wrist? Practically bullet-proof.
Feet? Tootsies are stubbing-free.
Bits of forehead and cheekbone? Secured.
Upper buttical region? Safe as babies.
THIS WOMAN IS TOTALLY ARMORED AND READY FOR ACTION.
p. 496 – A Christmas Story: Leg Lamps:
So the Leg Lamp, which embodied tackiness and kitsch in A Christmas Story, is now itself an actual tacky gift item. It’s the great Circle of Merchandise Life. There’s a whole page of these things. There’s a string of Christmas lights in the shape of the Leg Lamp. There’s a Leg Lamp Snowglobe. And yes, there are Leg Lamp Lamps.
It’s the ultimate “Funny for Five Minutes” gag gift, until the recipient realizes that, yes, he or she does in fact now own one of these.
p. 498 – I’m not putting the title to this, because I want to test something.
When I turned to this page, I went “Aaaah!” in shock.
When Pal Cully popped by the store on Wednesday, I showed the page to him, and he reacted with a “Aaaah!”
I showed it to Employee Aaron, and he too went “Aaaah!”
So, quickly, scroll down, and see how you react:
p. 501 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Chainsaw Prop Replica:
“Own an authentic replica of Leatherface’s infamous tool of terror! This highly-detailed and unique piece is movie-accurate and limited to 500 pieces worldwide. No fan of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre will want to miss this!”
For only $214.99, now you too can make every single person you know…very, very nervous.
p. 502 – Land of the Lost Sleestak 12-inch Vinyl Bank:
My immediate question of “why are they making this now?” is overwhelmed by my desire to have one of these…which of course invalidates my criticism of pretty much every other piece of merchandise here, and, also, answers my question.
