Progressive Ruin Presents…The End of Civilization.
Yes, it’s that time of month again, with a scary selection of spooky horrors from…oh, not buying my Halloweeny intro, huh? Okay, fine…here’s some goofy crap from the new November 2006 edition of the Diamond Previews catalog. Crack open your own copy and follow along…if you dare! (Previous installments, which really should go in the sidebar instead of each post: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20)
p. 270 – Star Wars Collect’s Club “George Lucas Family” Exclusive Action Figures Boxed Set:
“Previously A Star Wars Collector’s Club Exclusive! This Worldwide Exclusive Lucas Family Action Figure Collector Set is brought to you by Dynamic Forces Inc. in association with StarWarsShop.com, and was previously available only to Hyperspace members!”
[“We couldn’t unload them all online, so we’re forced to go the direct market route.”]
“The George Lucas Family Set is now available to all Star Wars enthusiasts,”
[“The few that we haven’t driven away with Episodes I-III.”]
“…and features the entire family of George Lucas as they appeared in Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith! This exclusive four-figure set includes three brand new sculpts available only at StarWarsShop (and now brought to you by Dynamic Forces working with Star Wars Shop). Included in the set are: Baron Papanoida (George Lucas), Chi Eekway (Katie Lucas), Terr Taneel (Amanda Lucas), and Zett Jukassa (Jett Lucas)!”
[“Remember those kids’ names, because those are the people that’ll be bringing you Star Wars Babies* in about twenty years.”]
“Collectors will recall how quickly the previous George Lucas/Jorg Sacul action figure sold out when offered a few years ago!”
[“And for legal reasons, we’re not going to actually say that these will be expensive collectibles down the road, but, c’mon, we both know they will be, right? Buy lots!”]
“History is destined to repeat itself with this exclusive offering, which depicts Lucas as a character actually seen in a Star Wars movie (unlike the Jorg Sacul figure).”
[“Suckers.”]
“Make sure to celebrate the Lucas Family legacy to the Star Wars universe by adding this set of StarWarsShop exclusives to your collection today!”
[“Help the Lucas Family celebrate their legacy with your money! Sorry, no Supershadow figure included.”]
p. 384 – Fruits Basket Riceball Plush Handbag:
I know it’s supposed to be cute, but something about it terrifies me. I think it’s the little feet.
p. 385 – Anime Fleece Caps:
Wearing someone else’s head on top of your head is slightly upsetting. It sorta makes it look like Sonic is eating your head. Or that you have some kind of hideous Sonic growth on your scalp. Have I stripped these of joy yet?
p. 386 – Wolverine Screams T-Shirt:
“WHAT’S HAPPENED TO MY ARMS! MY HEAD IS MISSHAPEN! AAAAAAHHH!”
p. 386 – Battlestar Galactica Arrow of Apollo T-Shirt:
There’s something about genre shirts that refer to a very specific moment in a movie, TV show, or comic that make absolutely no sense out of context or to the uninitiated that really set off my “for God’s sake, don’t wear this” alarm.
p. 387 – Bill and Ted Most Excellent T-Shirt:
There’s “retro,” and then there’s “past the expiration date.” (That “More Cowbell” shirt on the same page is pretty close, too.) I do like the hand-gesture in the ad, though.
p. 393 – Naruto Sasuke’s Fire Attack:
“Load the 11″ fireball and unleash four fiery blowjectiles with Sasuke’s Fire Attack! Kids can pretend to have the fire-breathing power of the Sasuke character from the popular Naruto series with this breath-activated ninja weapon!”
One, I’m not sure this is an authentic ninja weapon; two, “BLOWJECTILES” may now be my new favorite word.
p. 396 – Toxic Teddies Misfits Figurine Set:
Every time the Misfits are brought up, I’m reminded of that one kid that came into the store asking me for one of their comics: “I’m looking for a Misfits comic…the Misfits, they’re a band.” AAARGH, stupid kid, I remember not buying Misfits albums before you were born…anyway, I just wanted to point out this set is a limited run of 666 pieces. OOH SCARY.
p. 396 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel Feigenbaum Bunny Plush Replica:
I don’t know how they do it. Every month, it’s another crazy prop replica from the Buffyverse…this time, a forty dollar stuffed bunny with glasses.
p. 408 – Cinderella Replica Glass Slipper with Case:
“In an effort to achieve absolute authenticity, numerous frames of the film were studied to produce this high quality, officially licensed replica. This timeless symbol of romance is produced from smooth, high-quality crystal in a size appropriate for a real-life princess. The slipper is presented on a lavish satin pillow adorned with gold tassels.”
Holy crap. The copy writers almost make it sound like this is worth the 250 bones this is gonna cost you. Those guys are good.
p. 410 – Woody Woodpecker Maquettes:
It would almost be worth it to have the “retro” Woody around just to frighten children. “You know, back in the good ol’ days, we weren’t afraid to traumatize the young’uns. MADE ‘EM TOUGH. Not like those sissified cartoons today.” Then again, do children even know who Woody is anymore? What’s Woody’s Q rating?
p. 412 – Mandarin Mini-Bust:
Iron Man: “I’m here to stop your evil scheme, Mandarin!”
Mandarin: “Guess again, Iron Man! I’ll…I’ll…whoa, wait, hold on…ah..AH…AH….”
“AH-CHOO!!!“
Iron Man: “Gesundheit!”
p. 423-4 – Tandem Twin: Animal Girls – Sheep Girl Worara PVC Statue:
“Tandem Twin: Animal Girls – Sheep Girl Worara is anything but ‘sheepish’ – especially for a sheep girl! Worara comes complete with display base and removable hair parts for hours of ‘shear’ fun.”
p. 428 – Soul of Chogokin [GX-32] Gold Lightan Chogokin Wooden Box Set:
Gold-plated, transforms from “lighter form” to “robot form,” comes with a base and a wooden case lined with red velvet cloth. $280. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
p. 451 – Marvel Fragrances:
“Now you can have a super sweet smell like your favorite Marvel super-hero with these awesome fragrances! Choose from your favorite X-Men members such as Storm, Wolverine, or the entire X-Men gang!”
“(SNIFF SNIFF) Hey, what smells like deer blood and cigars?” “Oh, that’s my Wolverine toilet water, honey!” And God only knows what the “entire X-Men gang” scent smells like…a room full of sweaty people in leather, I’m supposing. (Or maybe it’s just relabeled “Scent of San Diego Comic Con” bottles.)
p. 454 – Emily’s Fat Balms “Kitties Rock!” Lip Gloss:
“Emily may be strange, but she’s no stranger to rockin’ lip gloss!”
It’s like they just toss a bunch of youth-oriented buzz words and images into the “Teen-Goth-Exploit-A-Tron 3000” and out comes new Emily merchandise.
Marvel Previews p. 28 – Ghost Rider Finale:
You could have knocked me over with a feather with this solicitation. The last issue of the ’90s Ghost Rider series, #94, was never released, even though the story in #93 was to be concluded in that issue, and everything in #93 indicated “Hey, see you next month for the big finish!” The result? My having to tell customers for eight years that, no, there never was a #94, honest, I’m not kidding, and having them look at me like I’m 1) an idiot, or 2) lying to them.
And yeah, I know the only reason this is being released is to have more Ghost Rider product available when the Ghost Rider movie eventually comes out…but still, good on Marvel for finally concluding this story.
Now someone get DC on wrapping up Sonic Disruptors. I’ve been waiting 18 years to finish reading that series.
